Day 32 – My Child is Suffering in Poverty

I recently watched a documentary about children from England who live in poverty. They often lived in split families, where the parent was unable to find a job. One of the children was speaking out on how insane it is that the government was saying how important it is to have a job, yet they are cutting jobs, and there are only jobs available for 1 in 5 people. The father kept looking for a job but found none. Because of their poor situation, the boy does not have decent clothing to wear to school. They wear uniforms, but his pants is to small and ripped, because they can’t afford new ones. The children in his class call him ripped pants, as well as girl shirt. Because he wears a shirt from his sister since they can’t afford a new one.

Then there were two girls in the documentary, one was around 15, the other 8 years old. They both talked about self-mutilation and suicide. The youngest one sometimes scratches her eczema so hard, that it starts to bleed, because it helps her calm down. The older one talked about how she had tried to kill herself, because of the situation they had to live in. The older one was talking about school, and how it is all about the clothing you wear and how you look. And because she had no money to buy “the right” clothing, she got bullied and often ignored, which caused her to hurt herself because it made her feel better.

The children went to play to the park, but some of them had no friends to play with. A little boy mentioned that he often felt lonely. And they were mentioning that rich children can play puzzles and color when they get bored, but they had none of such things. They often don’t even have 3 meals a day. In the evening she had a sausage role and that was it. In the winter they can’t afford heating, so it is their least favorite time of the year. They often simply lay in bed under the covers to try and keep warm.

You have scenes of some girls playing around in an old house, and you may think: “look, they are poor but they are happy.” But that is a very misguided thing to say. When you actually hear their stories, you realize they simply try to make the best of their situation, but do not feel well over all. They often resort to self-mutilation and thoughts of suicide. A little girl said in the end, that she didn’t want to grow up. She repeated it two times. She had no hope for herself and her future, because of the struggle she saw her mom go through. Same for their house. On the outside it looks quite ok, but when you have a look inside you can see the mold on the walls, cracked beds. One of the girls mentioned that “it must be very bad people who let someone live in such a house”.

It is really sad to watch this, and puts you face to face with the reality that is out there. It is unacceptable that people have to live like that. In this system there will never be enough jobs for all, unless you create shitloads of useless jobs which are often damaging to human beings and our environment. It is a situation that can be stopped. So that people do not have to depend on a job in order to live and have what they need to survive. You may have some questions raising up right now, or even thinking that it is impossible. But that is simply because you have never know anything else than the system you have been living in. We sometimes think as if it is the best thing we can achieve, but really, that is very limiting. It is the “best thing” in an ego and profit driven consumer and competitor system yes, but is it the best system out of all options we have? Not even close.

You can watch the documentary here:

http://www.deredactie.be/cm/vrtnieuws/mediatheek/programmas/koppen/2.22634/1.1338338

The beginning is in dutch, but the documentary itself is in English.

For info on what we can change and how we can change it, check out the following pages:

http://equalmoney.org/wiki/Labour http://equalmoney.org/wiki/Education

http://equalmoney.org/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system where we support a system that does not what is best for all, and has negative consequences such as starvation, poverty, slave labor and animal abuse, all in the sake of money and profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and ifnd excuses for our current system, not realising I am actually defending my own enslavement and that of others, not realizing how I am making excuses for abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stay blind because facing reality makes me feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowedmyself to pretend everything is allright so I can keep feeling good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own feelings and self intrest above the common good, even continuing others suffering by standing by and doing nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that those children in poverty could have been my own children, if we would have been born in their place, and their circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own children before others because of the bond I feel with them, where I depend my actions in life on the way I feel and not what is actually best for all. Which results in me not really caring about others in FACT/reality, because caring means action. Caring does not just mean feeling something. Because when you only feel bad but on the other hand dont do anything, it is not true physical real caring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions about why this system can never change, and justifying poverty in that way, without really investigating if and how it can change. So I form an opinion purely on how I feel and what I hear, without any proper research and investigation, just because it is convenient to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how, if it were my children or myself, I would want to be helped and I would want another system, and move heaven and earth to give my children a better life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where children get raised to be selfish and non caring for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where children get raised into poverty and situations where they get bad examples and no proper parenting or education, which shapes them as adults and thus also our future. Within that I didnt realize how important it is to INCLUDE all beings, to have equal chances in life, so that they can develop their potential which will lift up not only their life, but for the whole of humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how our ignorance creates a backlash and will result in problems in the long run

I commit myself to stand for a world best for all, a world where all beings have equal chances ,where everyone can develop themselves and where we stand for the common good, instead of that of the minority. Such a world, which does what is best for all, is the only world that will actually do what is in fact best for the majority. And I will stand for that, no matter if others say it is possible or not. This is what is best, and what I will stand for regardless of others approval. I will do my best to contribute and eventually others may see that it indeed works best.

I commit myself to speak out about the abuse within our system, and refuse to keep a blind eye. I refuse to be yet another person that is blind and deaf, I refuse to be someone who silences the ones in need simply because of my own feelings.

 

Day 23 – Accumulated Stress

One of the chickens has been ill since a couple weeks, and I tried to take care of her as best as possible. I tried to make her eat by cooking and buying a lot of different foods (to no avail) and then took her to the vet several times, and now she has to have injections every day. I also had to give her oral medicine which was quite hard to do. And because I can’t explain to her what I am doing, she gets stressed when it happens. And so do I. I noticed that I got frustrated within myself when she yet again did not want to eat something that I made her. It was not because of the fact that I made it, but the fact that she didn’t want to eat and was getting thinner and thinner which reduces her chance of survival. She only weighs 1.88 kg right now. So I got kind of upset with her being this way, which I first denied. I kind of brushed it off, told myself to toughen up, reasoning with myself to try and stop the emotions. But even when I didn’t think about it, I got problems sleeping and after a couple of days the stress was there non-stop.I then thought ok.. maybe I should do some exercise to release it. Nope, didn’t help either. I felt like crying the whole time but I didn’t want to cry because I let reason be my guide.

Then my mom noticed something was up, because I hadn’t talked about this to anyone. She asked in a concerned way: is something wrong? And as I said: I am full of stress, I began to cry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. But strangely, after that I immediatly felt better. Probably because crying releases all kinds of chemicals and shit in your body. My mom told me that I will have to get stronger, because I am very sensitive to such situations, seeing animals suffer. It is true, but at this point it is not something that I can just stop. Because I really shouldn’t stress myself about it, and simply do what I can for the animal.
Also she noted that by having the chickens, I also contribute to more insects being killed, which is true.

A few days before, in the midst of it all, I also got sick during the bad sleeping time. One day I woke up feeling strange in my stomach. That day I had to go to school but was tired the whole time, and in the evening I developed fever. Next day… it was gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can reason my emotions and stress away, and when it was not working, that it keps accumulating within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let reason tell me that I shouldnt cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to cry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am weak for being so sensitive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be “strong” and feelingless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be blank when seeing an animal struggle
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bottle up my emotions and ignoring them, thinking that it will go away like that, not realizing how it is actually accumulating within me, which leads to an overflow after a certain period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about animal suffering that I contribute to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having chickens and contributing to insects death
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for choosing chickens over insects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself when I fed worms to the chickens
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person who doesnt care when I fed worms to the chickens

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my emotions, which made me physically full of stress and even sick

When and as I notice a build up of stress within me, I breath and I allow myself to cry if I feel the crying come up. I do not judge myself and I talk about it to someone or write about it to release the experience from within me.

I stop the judgements towards myself for being a human that lives in an environment where we have to kill to eat. I also will not feed worms to the chickens because actually they have enough other food to live on. The insects they catch themselves, is ofcourse their own survival instinct, necessary for their body to function properly.

when and as I notice I get stressed because of an ill animal, I stop myself from constant worrying, and I direct myself to simply do what I can for the animal.

And also I only have this when I am faced with the suffering. I think our society is a buffer for caring, because often when suffering is not around us, we don’t care. Like starvation, I mean we hear about it, but how much do we ACTUALLY care? How much do we work on stopping this? We require to stand together to create a system that does not exploit life, does not create abusers, and does what is best for all.
When I have suffering around me, I feel bad, and I want to stop it. When I dont have suffering around me, I dont feel bad, but I still want to stop it. So this is where we should go = to realize and face the suffering in this world, and decide that we will do what we can to stop it (inside and outside). So that you do not require emotions to care. Because it doesn’t mean that I feel strong emotions about an animal near me, that I care less about an animal in africa for example.

So, let’s stand and work together, to do what is best for all, not depending on how close we are to something, or how we feel, but on one principle: what is best for all, Equality as our essence.

 

Day 22 – I want to Prove Myself to You

As a child, I often had the experience of feeling overwhelmd when someone didn’t believe me, or thought something about me that wasn’t true. And it made me upset and I wanted to prove to that person that i was different, or that I didn’t do it. I sometimes got really sad and frustrated because of it. Some sort of helpless feeling because there was nothing I could do to convince that other person. What would have been the cure? Let it go. Realize that you can only sometimes explain something to another, but when they do not want to hear, you can’t make them, even when you want to. So best to not react and put yourself into stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove myself to another person and get upset when he/she does not hear what I say and keeps being stuck in the same judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get emotional / sad / frustrated when someone accuses me of something I didn’t do, or am, and that I have no way of showing them the opposit because they already made up their mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the emotions overwhelme me, without directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not having realized that I do not need to follow my emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to convince another and base my self-experience on what the opinion of that other is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value anothers judgement about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that that person who judges me wrong may infect others who will believe the lies he/she spreads about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire everyone to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being disliked

Sometimes another persons opinion or judgment about you, can be directly related to your quality of life. For example when you have an abusive parent who uses his/her child as an outlet of his/her anger. The child is often helpless and in a pretty fucked up situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assert my anger on my child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child for things he/she didn’t do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child because of the emotions I feel within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child because I am angry and need to vent it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the anger inside me control me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my anger, and assert it onto another living being, a child even, that is dependant on me, not realizing how I am fucking up the childs life through my own ignorance and abuse

When and as I notice myself reacting to someone who does not believe me, I stop and breath and realize that all I can do in the situation is direct myself and stop the emotions within me

When and as I notice myself getting angry, I stop and breath and let do not in any way assert this onto another living being. I look at where the anger comes from and take responsibility to stop it

When and as I notice myself getting frustrated or sad when someone accuses me falsfly, I stop and breath. I explain the situation as best as I can, but when the other does not want to hear, I let it go and make sure that I do not base my emotions on the opinion of this other person. I stop desiring to convince them and direct myself.

 

Day 21 – I Hate Crowds!

For a long period of my life I had strong reactions towards being in large groups of people, crowds.. the mall, a market place. It felt quite overwhelming. Sometimes we would go to the mall and I would get hot flashes, become extremely tired and feel nervous inside my chest.
What was actually fueling this, was not the crowd in itself, but my thoughts within this situation. Thinking about how people would look at me, maybe notice me, keep an eye on me, judge me, thinking how annoying it is. At the same time, my eyes seem to go into overdrive because of the stimuli around me. There is so much happening that at times I got a bit dizzy from it. Because of the thoughts, I would intensify my own symptoms and feel anxious and stressed, and annoyed. I would often say that it is because I am highly sensitive.

So when dealing with this pattern, and stopping these thoughts, I have become calm within such situations. I do not allow the thoughts to come up and I simply breath and be in the moment without pre-occupying my mind about the people around me. The hot flashes disappeared, so did the dizziness. I stop looking at to much in too high intensity and focus simply on remaining here, being here. It is not really that I focus on it anymore, it is more like something that results automatically when you stop to allow these thoughts to control you. You stop racing in your mind, and so do your eyes and the rest. I do get tired still sometimes in busy places, but all the other symptoms have gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intensify feelings of stress and anxiety through participating in thoughts that come up when I am around other people or crowds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I hate crowds because of the feelings I experience when I am among crowds, not realizing that it was fueled through my own participation in my mind, and that I was simply hating it because of the strong reactions I had created towards crowds through allowing my mind to be in control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about how other people may judge me, and then feel anxious because of this, not realizing that their judgment about me does not matter

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to simply stop these thoughts and not follow them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as less than who I am, because I have allowed my mind/thoughts to control me and make me feel sick amongst crowds, not realizing I have the power to direct myself and stop this uncomfortable situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own thoughts, and find a reason and excuse to why I experience this, such as “high sensitivity”, without realizing that I can actually stop this situation within myself, and not allow myself to be concerned with others judgments or constantly focus on the people around me

When and as I notice my thoughts drift off when I am within a crowd, thinking about how they judge me, or see me etc… I stop and breath and do not allow these thoughts to control me. I let them go and breath, be in the moment and stop fueling these thoughts that cause me to have stronger physical reactions. I do not choose my programmed mind over the health of my physical body.

When and as I notice I get anxious within a crowd, I stop and I breath and focus on move in the moment. I bring myself back here.

When and as I notice I still get tired, I simply continue to move myself and not follow the thoughts, without judging myself for being tired. I direct myself, regardless of being tired or not.

I realize that sometimes a physical experience being part of a crowd, can be “natural” as in that the temperature may rise, and that oxygen levels may decrease. In that situation I simply do what I can to improve it in the moment.

 

 

Day 19 – shopaholic

It started pretty young, around the age of 12-13. I used to spend all my money that I got from family members on, clothing, make-up or other things to “enhance” my appearance. I used to feel super exited about the idea of going to the stores or the mall. The day before I would feel as if I was going to an amusement park or something. The idea to make myself look so much prettier with those items made me really exited. I looked forward to it. In the shops I then would search for clothing that I found pretty and which would make me pretty, I would also buy hair coloring products, mascara’s, facial masks, hairmasks, shoes etc… A lot of shit.
What was behind this all was insecurity, and using others judgement about my appearance to judge myself. Feeling good when others found me pretty, feeling bad when they didn’t, or when I thought I looked ugly (which was most of the time). Because no matter how many compliments, I never really felt pretty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the beauty industry and media to influence me to such an extend that I blindly copied the judgments from it, and place them unto myself and others, being directed as a slave to buy a shitload of products and items to apprantly make me “better”, “prettier”, “more perfect”. Not realizing how brainwashed I was and how this was driven by a profit driven system that exploits and abuses life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take in the judgmenets from the media about appearance, and from movies and peers and others around me, and use them to judge myself and according to that feel good or bad about myself. By doing this I make myself inferior to others, and to an industry which exploits life for profit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive happyness from the buying of items and products that I hope will stop the insecurity and inferiority within me, using it to try and boost my self confidence, or others attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get exited about buying things to enhancem y beauty, not realizing how this is brainwashed within my mind, fueled by our profit driven system of consumerism and vanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy things that I dont really need, simply because of a desire within me for approval of others, or because of fear within me about rejection or looking ugly and being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let others judgements determin my behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow what the fashion industry tells me looks good on me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live inside of a bubble of fear, trying to eleviate this fear through consumption

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and take a good look at how the media and fashion industry programs people to be insecure and judge themselves and others to create profit, and how this whole industry actually exploits life, brings chemicals in nature, tests on animals, has people judging each other on looks or clothing, and creates a distrorted vision about what is important in the world

When and as I notice the judgements towards myself, the fear of others judgement or desire for approval come up, I stop and breath and let it go. I do not allow myself to judge myself or take on the judgements of others. I am a living being part of planet earth and refuse to support this vain and empty culture that w ehave created that exploits life.

When and as I notice the urge to go and buy products and items to so called “enhance” my physical appearance, because others would find it beautiful, I stop and breath and realize I do not require those products. People who judge others on that are brainwashed as well as I am, and do not realize yet what they are actually participating in. I refuse to participate in this any longer, and I will also speak out about this when I have the chance, to show others what I have realized about myself. SImply sharing my realization, and what they do with it is up to them.

 

Day 18 – They are Going to Think I’m a Freak!

Sometimes people add me on facebook that I know in person as well, for example from school or from my hobbies. Whenever that happens, I have this sort of “scare” within me assuming they will look at my profile and think I am a total freak. It’s not like this fear stops me, because I am open about what I stand for, what I do etc… yet this fear does keep popping up. However, much less than it used to. I used to be much more concerned about “being different”, being seen as strange etc… It is funny that a girl in my class said: “we get along but we are all very different, this person is this, and that one is like this, and you are more “alternative”. Lol. I never really looked at myself as “alternative”. Because when I think about it, I imagine someone dressing like a hippie 😛

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that people who add me on facebook will think I am a freak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe people who add me on facebook will think I am a freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as “inferior” because I do post things on facebook that most of my every day contacts dont post. And then I compare myself to that, realize my facebook behavior is totally different, and then fear they will judge this as “freakish” or “crazy”, and will judge me for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let others judgements influence the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions and judgements about others based on what I imagine they will think, see or do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked, because I then feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self worth and feelings on how others react to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my own emotions on how others judge me

When and as I notice the fear coming up, I stop and breath and realize that it does not matter what another thinks about me. If they judge me than that is their judgement. I do not allow to judge others about what they might think about me. I stop the expectations and simply move myself to do what is best for all.

When and as I notice them reacting negativly towards what I do on facebook, I do not allow this to impact me, I let go of the emotions when and if they come up, and if necessary I simply remove the person from my facebook if he/she cannot handle what I share, which are the things that are necessary to be shared: the state of our world, the way we as humans exist, what we do to each other and ourselves etc…. Leaving on a blindfold will help no one, and it only accumulates the suffering we allow as a collective on this planet.

I stand for world equality, and everyone can know this. I wont let my fear stop me.

 

Day 16 – Did you Hurt me, or did I Hurt Myself?

I remember being accused of something I didn’t do. I don’t even remember what it was but anger welled up inside me and I yelled something and ran to my room and I was crying hard and scratched my arm super hard with my nails until it was bleeding,  because I didn’t knew how to deal with the emotions. It felt very strong, a sense of self hatred even. Merely by the fact that another person had reacted towards me, and judged me and accused me.
And then I looked at my arm and I felt so bad for what I did to myself. I was thinking: I dont deserve to hurt myself like that, why the fuck did I do that to myself. I felt guilty for having mutilated my body like that. And I then hide it so that no one would ever see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another for judging me wrongly, and justifying my reactions because of what another said – and as a result physically hurting myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically hurt my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because of what I experience within myself when another shows anger towards me and accuses me of something I didnt do, allowing this energy to posses me to a point where I inflict physical harm unto myself.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize that anothers reactions are their own responsibility, and that mine are mine. And that I should not take it personally if someone accuses me falsly, and realize that it is a reaction within them that makes them do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to justify reactions because of someones words
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself a stupid bitch
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions overwhelm me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use emotions to hurt myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give anothers emotions power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in emotion to anothers accusations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when another accuses me of something I didn’t do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be outraged when I am judged for something I didn’t do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to deal with my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slam with doors because of feelings angry and upset
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically punish myself for what I feel within me – instead of directing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow emotions based on others reactions to control who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself through calling myself names
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blaming another for what I did to myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for raising his voice and me feelings annoyed because of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed because of anothers angry voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by the tone of anothers voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another does something to spite me , and allowing that believe to control my mind

I will not allow myself to physically harm myself for the emotions I experience within myself, and stop blaming others for what I feel or react to. When someone reacts, it is always about them. So I stop taking it personally and not punish myself through my reactions.
When I hear something dishonest, I speak up and direct myself whats best in that moment. When the person goes into fighting or arguing mode, I speak up but let them calm down and make sure I do not participate in a “fight”. Or react to it with frustration.
When I do, I take a moment to breath and stop myself before I continue.

When another blames me for something I didn’t do – I explain it, and stop reactions – because I can only direct myself and not another
When another blames me,  I do not allow it to move me. And when I does I look at which thoughts triggered my reaction and stop it
I stop blaming my another for what I feel within myself when he reacts
I stop taking anothers reactions personal, because they are not, he reacts because of what is within him

My emotions are not superior to me unless I allow it.

When and as I notice the reactions, I will stop my reactions based on another’s voice tone, because it is not personal. Their tone of voice is their own responsibility and if I allow it to move me, then it can control me through emotions that come up because of it

I wont slam with doors because of feeling upset, asserting my anger on the physical reality or my physical body
When I feel it come up, I breath, stop all thoughts and calm down
I stop hating myself, there is nothing to hate. I am part of life and I realize I have been programmed just like every single one on this planet. Hate is a reaction and a judgement that does not serve me, nor does it serve anyone else. It only destroys and punishes and spites

I stop my believes towards other people, thinking and assuming why they are doing what they are doing and letting that pre occupy my thoughts.
When it is based on a self directive point, to direct a situation, I allow it. But when it is based on emotional reaction, fear, hiding, survival etc… I stop it because it only comes from the reactions, and is not directive for the situation in totality.

I will not harm myself by calling myself names. Because it is my mind that I allow to hurt me through emotions

When someone does or sais  something abusive, I do not allow myself to continuously think about how abusive or unfair it is and in that way creating reactions of sadness and anger within me.

 

Day 13 – Being Drunk

I haven’t drank any alcohol in about 9 years now, because I am against the effects it has on the human body and mind. Alcohol has many fucked up consequences in this world, more than it has good consequences. Growing up, I had my fair share of experiences with drunken adults. So I became disgusted by this behavior. The things I saw, no child should have to see. Not only was it the things I saw, but sometimes it was very dangerous, for example when I had to be in the car with a drunken person who swung across the road left to right.

I have been drunk twice in my life, why? To try and “have fun”. I noticed however, that it just made me feel sick, and giggly. I started to spin around in my head and it was harder to speak and walk. I really didn’t like that. I noticed however, that I still tended to be shy, which I didn’t expect I would be because alcohol is supposed to make you “loose”.

So this will be the self forgiveness and correction for drunk people in general, not just my own experience as you will read. You will notice that I mention “drugs” instead of “alcohol” sometimes, because alcohol is a drug and not such a harmless drug…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs because I think I require this to have fun
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link “having fun” to using drugs that alters chemicals in my brains which gives me an experience of being more confident and/or crazy, daring etc… thinking that this is a good thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself by consuming alcohol, using the excuses that alcohol will relax me, loosen my tongue, and I only have one drink – full aware that one drink leads to two, two drinks begin intoxication and separation from actual living – I realize that alcohol subdues my common sense and is a form of entertainment and distraction designed to keep humans preoccupied while the fucked-up-ness of the state of the world continues. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself by participating in the consummation of alcohol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in excess in the home knowing my personality changed when I drank and I treated my children cruelly and humiliated them in front of my friends, relatives and each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in the home presenting to my children it is ‘normal’ ‘acceptable’ to drink alcohol even though I knew alcoholism ran rampant within our family ‘tree’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk to my children about the dangers of alcohol consumption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself excuses about my behavior when I drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my actions while drinking alcohol, but instead allowing myself to blame alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink alcohol from the starting point of deception and manipulation, drinking it because then I have an excuse to act irresponsible, do something I otherwise wouldn’t do, or be flirtatious, and afterwards use alcohol as the excuse for my behavior, knowing very well that I have used alcohol for this purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame alcohol for my actions and not taking self responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest while drinking alcohol.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot direct myself within self honesty while I drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be changed by alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the abuse of drugs and alcohol by requiring something seperate from me to make my existance bareable
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to drink alcohol so that people around me would not feel bad about drinkin it themselves
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use alcohol to attempt and try and suppress this anger within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to attempt and try and suppress this anger within me with substances such as drugs and medication – instead of me standing up within me as me and directing this anger through self forgiveness to release – to no longer accept and allow this anger within me to consume and overpower me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put my children in danger because I get drunk
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bring others in danger by driving drunk
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a danger to others when I drink alcohol because it makes me agressive
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a danger towards others when I am drunk because it makes me want to assault woman
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be an idiot when being drunk, acting stupid as if I have no braincell left, doing behavior that is dangerous for myself, others or the environment and nature.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and lure others into drinking along with me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to boost my ego through alcohol consumption, which makes me act as if I am superior.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for associating drinking alcohol with meeting and having sex with girls/ladies. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting/desiring to hookup with drunk girls/ladies that show interest in me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using drugs and alcohol as away to stimulate my mind as entertainment to take me away from facing myself and applying myself in self honesty to do what is best for myself and all.

forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink alcohol as an escape from myself and my responsibility for myself, because I have not allowed myself to realize it is impossible to escape from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol because my friends were doing it and I was aware that I was living DISHONESTY and continued to drink
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgments of my friends when I don’t drink along with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol when I am with my friends because since they are doing it I feel like I should do it so we all “loosen up” and can have a “good time” when those ideas only exist in the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consumea lcohol to fit in, instead of realizing that I should stand within self honesty, to do whats best for all, not just as a follower of a group, but use my own common sense to make decisions and not depend them on what others do – because when I do that, I shift and shape myself to have others like me, where I will do things to make myself be liked even when the behavior is not good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol out of fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my fears to big to overcome, so I turn to alcohol

When and as I notice the urge to get drunk because those around me are doing it, I stop and direct myself to not be a follower, but to stand strong within myself and realize that alcohol is not good for me, and that if I require alcohol to be a certain way, that it is not real. And that alcohol creates a lot of friction, sickness, abuse and death within this world that I refuse to support. I realize that when people consume alcohol, their programmed mind gets boosted, where they will magnify the personality they have accepted within them: some will become more violent, some more flirtatious, some will fall asleep or act crazy, some will constantly feel insulted and argue constantly, and some will show their gigantic ego etc… I do not accept and allow a world where human beings do not take self-responsibility for who they are and what they experience within them – but rather hide in drugs.

When and as I notice the peer pressure feeling within me, I stop and realize that if a group rejects me for not consuming drugs together with them, then it is no “loss”. If that is required from me, and otherwise they discard me, then they can do so. It means they so called “friendship” is not real, and simply based on mutual abuse, desiring another person to consume drugs and “loose their mind”.

When and as I notice that I have drank too much, I stop drinking and realize what I am doing and take self responsibility for my behavior. I do not accept and allow my feelings and thoughts to control me, and I will not allow alcohol to “change” me and direct me. And I make sure that I do not let it happen again.

I realize alcohol is a danger in this world, and that we have proven that we cannot use it in a “responsible” way, that does not exist.

-Alcohol consumption by college students is linked to at least 1,400 student deaths and 500,000 unintentional injuries each year

-More than three-quarters of female victims of nonfatal domestic violence reported that their assailant had been drinking or using drugs

-Alcohol does not relieve depression- it makes it worse. Alcohol is a depressant

-One third of suicides are associated with alcohol misuse

-10% of alcohol health care costs are for care of fetal alcohol syndrome

-More than 18 million people who use alcohol need substance abuse treatment

-Health care costs attributed to alcohol abuse in 1995 were nearly twice those of drug abuse-related costs ($23 billion vs. $12 billion).

-alcohol misuse costs Australian community 15.3 billion dollars each year when factors such as crime and violence, treatment costs, loss of productivity and premature death were taken into account

-over 3 000 Australians die each year as a result of harmful drinking -Spending for alcohol ads on T.V. by the alcohol industry grew by 22%, to more than $990 million in 2002.

-Alcohol is often not thought of as a drug, yet it is a hard drug. -One third of homicides are associated with alcohol misuse

-One half of car accidents are associated with alcohol misuse.

-Alcohol and drug abuse are factors in the placement of more than three-quarters of children entering foster care

– Some 40% of violent crime, 78% of assaults and 88% of criminal damage cases are committed whilst the offender is under the influence of alcohol

-Over 1,000 young people under the age of 15 are admitted to hospital each year with alcohol poisoning

-of those involved in acquaintance rape, 75% of men and 55% of women had been drinking or taking drugs prior to the incident.

-Alcohol causes one to be mind-possessed, oblivious to the reality we live in, and having no self-responsibility what so ever.

And the Health risks:

  -Extended alcohol abuse can cause blood conditions including several forms of anemia and blood clotting abnormalities. These conditions could result in susceptibility to bleeding and bruising. Prolonged alcohol use can also impair white blood cell function and thus makes the abuser more likely to become infected. -Half the cancers in the esophagus, larynx and mouth are linked to alcohol. Additionally, intense vomiting from excessive drinking can tear the esophogus. -Excessive and prolonged alcohol consumption can cause contribute to conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease and heart failure. -Osteoporosis and and some forms of arthritis can be advanced by alcohol abuse. Further, alcohol can lead to muscle atrophy, which can cause sharp muscle pain and weakness. -Prolonged heavy drinking can cause kidney failure. -Alcohol can reduce the amount of digestive enzymes secreted by the pancreas, thereby inflaming and leaking digestive enzymes, which subsequently attack the pancreas itself. -Because of alcohol’s affects on the brain and alcohol’s effects on the kidneys, hormonal production is affected.In men, this could mean that the production of sperm and testosterone are affected, and that can lead to impotence and/or infertility.In women, estrogen metabolism in the liver can be decreased, which boost estrogen levels in the body. These changes can contribute to menstrual irregularities and potentially infertility. -Alcohol can damage the cells lining the stomach and intestines, which can block the absorption and breakdown of nutrients in those organs.Also make you age faster.

If alcohol has more negative side effects and higher costs than any other drug, When it gives false feelings of happyness and confidence – but leaves many drained and depressed afterwards, When it is involved with more violence, rape, accidents, child neglect and death…. Does the argument of: “I like to get drunk” still stand? Some use the excuse that “a glass a day is healthy”. But so is healthy eating and not eating sugar and junkfood. But you know as well as I do that those things are an excuse for many drinkers + many people cannot hold to the standard of “1 glass a day”. and if they really care about their health they would do everything to be a healthy as possible. And many of them simply dont.I know some people who say that it is “healthy” to drink a glass of wine a day. But then on the other hand, they get drunk every week, eat junkfood, are overweight, have had numerous of diseases and even blood cloths etc… It doesnt make any sense, the words dont match their reality and what they do.

Humanity at this stage cannot be trusted with alcohol, we have proven this.Some may be able to use it in moderation, but the masses abuse it extensivly.I would say ban until we are responsible. We cant allow ana busive substance that is misused by the majority who prove they cannot take responsibility, hoping that some day they will realise and not be dumbed down and that all corporations and elite etc…will give proper education, not hide things, and create a world of value. We will have to do that, together – so a world of responsible beings can emerge where things dont even have to be forbidden. And why is weed banned in a lot of countries, but alcohol allowed? It is insane, given the above facts. Alcohol does do a good job in keeping the population dumb though… So that may be one of the reasons. Oh, and money ofcourse. And we even support this because we forgot to use our common sense. We even try to pursuade our peers into consuming drugs (which alcohol is). And may even reject them when they decline. We have become our own slave masters. Easy, then no one else has to do the dirty work.

Dare to stand up for yourself! And for life!

 

Day 12 – The Gossiper

The “gossiping” that I refer to in this post, is purposely talking bad about another person. So consciously talking behind someones back simply for the sake of personal entertainment. Gossiping can be spoken out loud, or performed in ones mind.

Gossip is the deliberate act of causing harm upon another while that person is not present or knowing what you are talking about .
When we Gossip – we seek to make ourselves look better by bringing someone else down without supporting them at all. We then act as if we never talked when that person is around. Does this assist or help the person in any way? Does it assist and help you in any way? No. it creates a spiteful world of human beings who rather use “an eye for an eye”, instead of taking self-responsibility, doing what is best for all, and not being moved by emotions of spite because another has done something that one does not like.
If you have a problem with someone, communicate, talk, do not hold on to spite within yourself. Stop your reactions and see how you can deal with this situation in the most constructive way possible.
Within this blog post, I will place the self-forgiveness of the gossiper as described above.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in talking bad about another person behind their badk, because when I do this with another, I feel better about myself and get energy from talking down about another person – comparing myself and using this as a standard to boost my own ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person to boost my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about another person within my mind, so that I can feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto spitefulness regards another person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my gossip because I do not like the other person, or I do not like what they have done to me. And thus I take their actions personaly, and feel as if it is justified to talk shti about them, not realizing that I am not taking responsibility for my own reactions towards this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about people because then beings would come to me all curious and I could tell them something they did not know yet and they would give me lots of attention.

I forgive myself tat I have accepted and allowed myself to rather talk about other people and make people judge them because I am too scared to share something of me out of fear of other peoples judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’m stabbing myself in my own back while gossiping about another – indicating that I am being self-dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue talk about the gossip even though I clearly know I shouldn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the attention i get while telling a gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do something to get attention and feel good, without really looking at what I am truly supporting by allowing this – and that what I do is not best for all, and comes from a need for approval.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I was actually never really getting attention – only the gossip was.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell gossips just so I’d have something to tell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my own self behind gossips about other because I fear being rejected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell gossips so I would feel accepted and liked by other people.
I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek acceptance outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell gossips so that the being I’m talking about gets “more unaccepted” and me “more accepted”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip so I would be accepted by the group.
I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to gossip with friends instead of sharing interesting experiences of our own selves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip so i would live in the illusion that I now belong in a group, the group fo beings that are listening to me while I tell the gossip.
I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for gossiping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the person(s) I’m gossiping about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell a gossip so we can start a judgement party.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy gossiping and judging other people in group so i would feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk bad about other persons so I would feel good about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip on a steady basis with the same people to make sure we all stay friends, to make sure we stay bound by the stories and gossips we tell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip so i could present myself as beng somewhat “interesting” towards other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell gossips about other people so that other people would come to me and would also tell gossips about other people so we could keep ourselves busy in our minds so that we don’t not have to see, did not have to realise that our friendships were actually dead and empty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip with friends so we did not have to see what was here, and what was here was nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a fake personality to the being I gossip about
I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to be totally surprised when I would fidn out people had been gossiping about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to be totally devastated when I’d find out people had been gossiping about me.
I forigve msyelf that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that if I gossip about other people, the people gossip about me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use gossip as a separated designed tool to conform and open people instead of be just here as who I am as the presence as breath of life in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in the moment of being in a gossiping situation. I realize now that even if I listen to gossip I am still a part of it because without a listener there would be no talker.

 

When and as I notice the desire within me to gossip, to feel better about myself or get attention, I stop and breath and do not allow myself to participate in this.

When and as I notice others start to gossip, I do not allow myself to accept this, and I bring in common sense into the converastion, not just accepting those others as gossipers, not laughing or anything that would seem as if I am “fine” with their gossiping. I do not allow myself to accept gossip in a passive way because I am to afraid to stand up, and because I am afraid to be rejected or to be seen as weird or because they then in result may gossip about me. I take responsibility for who I am, and what I speak and do, no matter what the others may say.

When and as I notice I have the desire to talk bad about others behind their back, I take a look at why I experience this, what the connections are – so that I am able to understand the emotions and thoughts that come up within me, so that I can take self-responsibility for them and direct myself to do what is best for all.

 

For discussion visit: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=35&t=239&p=826&hilit=gossip#p826

 

 

Day 11 – The Child Molester

The Child Molester

I remember when I was 8 years old I was at school playing with a girl from my class. There were also toddlers around and we ended up playing with this little girl, maybe she was 3 or something. At one point, the little girl fell down and somehow that made me feel good. Me and the friend kept being around her and tried to make her fall or do something stupid. At one point, we pushed her and felt good about it. I mean a really physical good feeling. I know it sounds pretty disturbing, but this is what I experiences as a little girl of 8 years old. Now I do not experience this anymore, I think it was around that age (8-9) when it was the last time I experienced that, but why on earth did I feel enjoyment hurting a little girl? Am I born as a psychopath? And what about the other girl with me, she seemed to experience the same thing. It immediately places me in the shoes of child molesters, who enjoy hurting children because it makes them feel good, because of urges within them. And urge is an urge, and I had that urge.
Why was I created with that urge in me? How fucked up is that for a child to experience. I didn’t have trauma in my childhood either, I had a very good childhood without abuse.

So this urge, I really cannot connect it rationally to anything of my life personally, all I know is that I experienced it, and that it was thus part of my “design”, my programming.

So this self forgiveness will be as all the people in this world with urges like this, including the pedophiles. The self forgiveness is thus not always about my own experience. As you notice and will notice in other blog posts, the self forgiveness is often stated in the shoes of another person. Because I know, that also murderers and child molesters can stop their programming and direct themselves to stop the abuse within and outside themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like hurting a little girl
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting another child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure about a child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure seeing another little child cry or hurt
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure threatening another child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to hurt a child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel power over another little child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child for my own pleasures
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child so I can satisfy my desires, not realizing that this child is a human being just like me, and that I cannot force my will upon them. And that if I do this, the child will have a damaging experience that it will carry along in its life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my feelings as superior to those of another human being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desires to run freely within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can change myself and stop following my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the child is a human being equal and one to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in thoughts about how I could increase my pleasure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that are harmful towards another human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as sexual objects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as objects that I can use to satisfy my lust
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my past haunt me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself as a prisoner to my past
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for who I have become.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child molestation’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child rape’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child rapist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child molester.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘unontrollable sexual urges’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘sex addict’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘pervert’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘creeper’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as stupid.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as angry
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.

When and as I notice these judgements come up, I stop and breath and do not follow them. I realize I am part of life, programmed as anyone else, and have the opportunity to change and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to hide me from me when wanting to keep something like that I’ve watched pedophile material in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children do not have a fully developed brain to make choices
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children cant make choices such as I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I have become, getting angry at myself and not realizing I can change. I feed my own anger and frustration, and act out in even more anger or frustration towards children for example, because I think it is too late for me anyway.

When and as I notice these feelings or urges come up, I stop and breath and do not follow the thoughts that come up. I direct myself to do what is best for all in that moment, which is not allowing these thoughts to control me, and not allowing myself to act on them, not threatening a child in any way.

When and as I notice self judgement and self hatred come up, I stop and breath and let it go. I stop judging and hating myself and realize that I can change. Even when I still feel those urges. I will myself to step by step stop them, and find out the pattern behind them. I am not a slave to them and I can correct myself and be who I choose myself to be, instead of being how I am programmed to be.

I stand for a world best for all, that means to do unto others what I want done unto myself, and not harming another or using them against their will for my own pleasure. I would not want anyone to do something to me that I don’t want to be done unto me either.