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Day 16 – Did you Hurt me, or did I Hurt Myself?

30 Apr
Day 16 – Did you Hurt me, or did I Hurt Myself?

I remember being accused of something I didn’t do. I don’t even remember what it was but anger welled up inside me and I yelled something and ran to my room and I was crying hard and scratched my arm super hard with my nails until it was bleeding,  because I didn’t knew how to deal with the emotions. It felt very strong, a sense of self hatred even. Merely by the fact that another person had reacted towards me, and judged me and accused me.
And then I looked at my arm and I felt so bad for what I did to myself. I was thinking: I dont deserve to hurt myself like that, why the fuck did I do that to myself. I felt guilty for having mutilated my body like that. And I then hide it so that no one would ever see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another for judging me wrongly, and justifying my reactions because of what another said – and as a result physically hurting myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically hurt my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because of what I experience within myself when another shows anger towards me and accuses me of something I didnt do, allowing this energy to posses me to a point where I inflict physical harm unto myself.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize that anothers reactions are their own responsibility, and that mine are mine. And that I should not take it personally if someone accuses me falsly, and realize that it is a reaction within them that makes them do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to justify reactions because of someones words
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself a stupid bitch
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions overwhelm me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use emotions to hurt myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give anothers emotions power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in emotion to anothers accusations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when another accuses me of something I didn’t do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be outraged when I am judged for something I didn’t do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to deal with my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slam with doors because of feelings angry and upset
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically punish myself for what I feel within me – instead of directing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow emotions based on others reactions to control who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself through calling myself names
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blaming another for what I did to myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for raising his voice and me feelings annoyed because of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed because of anothers angry voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by the tone of anothers voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another does something to spite me , and allowing that believe to control my mind

I will not allow myself to physically harm myself for the emotions I experience within myself, and stop blaming others for what I feel or react to. When someone reacts, it is always about them. So I stop taking it personally and not punish myself through my reactions.
When I hear something dishonest, I speak up and direct myself whats best in that moment. When the person goes into fighting or arguing mode, I speak up but let them calm down and make sure I do not participate in a “fight”. Or react to it with frustration.
When I do, I take a moment to breath and stop myself before I continue.

When another blames me for something I didn’t do – I explain it, and stop reactions – because I can only direct myself and not another
When another blames me,  I do not allow it to move me. And when I does I look at which thoughts triggered my reaction and stop it
I stop blaming my another for what I feel within myself when he reacts
I stop taking anothers reactions personal, because they are not, he reacts because of what is within him

My emotions are not superior to me unless I allow it.

When and as I notice the reactions, I will stop my reactions based on another’s voice tone, because it is not personal. Their tone of voice is their own responsibility and if I allow it to move me, then it can control me through emotions that come up because of it

I wont slam with doors because of feeling upset, asserting my anger on the physical reality or my physical body
When I feel it come up, I breath, stop all thoughts and calm down
I stop hating myself, there is nothing to hate. I am part of life and I realize I have been programmed just like every single one on this planet. Hate is a reaction and a judgement that does not serve me, nor does it serve anyone else. It only destroys and punishes and spites

I stop my believes towards other people, thinking and assuming why they are doing what they are doing and letting that pre occupy my thoughts.
When it is based on a self directive point, to direct a situation, I allow it. But when it is based on emotional reaction, fear, hiding, survival etc… I stop it because it only comes from the reactions, and is not directive for the situation in totality.

I will not harm myself by calling myself names. Because it is my mind that I allow to hurt me through emotions

When someone does or sais  something abusive, I do not allow myself to continuously think about how abusive or unfair it is and in that way creating reactions of sadness and anger within me.

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Posted by on April 30, 2012 in Mental health

 

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