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Monthly Archives: May 2012

Day 26 – Jealousy is Love

Day 26 – Jealousy is Love

I have heard this so many times, over and over again: “I like him/her being a little jealous because that shows he/she loves me!”.

Love is a word, that we have connected to experience certain feelings and desires. There are multiple definitions people have about “love”. We often speak about it without looking into what we are experiencing exactly, and why. We are addicted to the chemicals within the brain that produce certain feelings, which then drives our thoughts and actions, making us do or say things as a responds to those emotions, not within self-direction at all.

People who feel strongly about another, want to “keep them” in order to keep experiencing themselves in that particular way. So in a way, it is selfish. When there is threat of this feeling being removed, by… let’s say another contender, then alarms go off. This is called jealousy. You are afraid that the person may not respond in the same manner as they did before towards you, or that they may even depart from your life, or that they will compare you to the other and judge you to be “less” and thus choose the other over you. It is a fear of loss, specifically, the fear of your own feelings being lost. Loosing the love bug, the nice feeling, the fun, the sex etc…

And then we see this jealousy from our partner, as a sign of their love. Their love thus means their fear of losing their own feelings, the fear that in the future you may not fill in this emotional need. You become a possession to the person, something that is in danger to be lost or stolen.

So why not instead, do we live our life fully without needing another person to fill us up? Why would we want to be more to someone, more than others? Why do we want this person to be closer to ourselves than to other people? Why would we deny this person the freedom to enjoy the company of others?
Of course, if a partner is flirting, this can be a dishonesty as well, of seeking approval at other people, deriving ones self-worth from attention, often based on looks (for example).

In my experience jealousy comes with an crippling feeling, mixed with a lot of fear and hatred, and I have found that in experiencing jealousy I am not able to move, can hardly breathe, and have difficulty communicating – so in that I am crippled. My first reaction to that is trying to level it out, meaning that I have to do/create something that will make me powerful again, and that always implicates others, because I feel a victim to jealousy I will try and turn that around or reverse it and go into fantasies of revenge, even act it out, or put on an act of “I am better than this”, “these feelings are beneath me” etc. Because I fear that what jealousy tells me is true. It is the ultimate sacrifice of Self, giving in to jealousy, and it will make any of us go to extremes. So for me it is surely about manipulation and the consequences of playing that jealousy-game are clear, as Bella wrote:
a Cycle of Abuse and Denial of Life.
and getting rid off jealousy means not participating in it, not accepting it.

i forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to become jealous.
i forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by jealousy.
i forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of other guys
i forgive myself that ive accepted and allowed myself to become jealous when a girl/boy im attracted to is fond of another guy/girl.
i forgive myself that ive allowed myself to become someone im not after becoming jealous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another.
i forgive myself to accept and allow myself to judge myself.
i forgive myself to accept and allowing myself to feel inferior to another.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel superior to another.
i forgive myself that ive allowed myself to feel hate for others based on my own jealousy.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting jealousy to exist within me.
i forgive myself that ive allowed myself to be enslaved by jealousy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy when my partner talks to another that I think may be a rival,a nd which I think they could fall in love with and then leave me. Because I fear loosing my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have trust in my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the relationship with my partner on feelings, instead of a self-honest communicated agreement to support each other as equals in life, no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have created a solid foundation in the relationship with my partner, where we work on our jealousy, and make the relationship work no matter what, where we would not just get out of it, even when we feel something for another. This would not be a valid reason to move out of the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other girls/boys and then judge myself as more or less than them, based on what I think my partner will like or not like about them, and which I see as attractive features or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others of my gender, because I desire to be the top, the prettiest, the toughest, the most desired etc…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life into a contest, a race, a game based on emotions and feelings. Not realizing there is no self direction in all of this, and it creates massive suffering worldwide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be noticed and liked, because without this I dont feel good enough, else I would not require to seek for this experience from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for anything less than a true self honest relationship of support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to memories of partners or friends rejecting me and wanting me to be different than who I am. By doing this I hold myself as prisoner to my past, and adjust myself according to what others desires, instead of in self-direction and self-honesty, not based on what others think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live to please others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the chemicals in my body and the emotions it gives me above what is truly best, where I allow this to control me without me really looking at what is happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project confidence, love and trust outside of me, seperate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe others have to give me “love” and that without them apparently I am not complete

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and live self trust , self love and self confidence as who I am

When and as I notice jealousy within me, I stop and breath and let the thoughts go. I am not dependant on another to be “fulfilled”, and I will look at why I experience this within me.
when and as I notice jealousy within me, I stop the thoughts and talk to my partner about this. I make sure that the relationship I have is based on self-honesty and true support as equals in live, not based on emotions, feelings or desires, but as an agreement that we make work, where we give feedback and support each other to make it work as well as working on ourselves to make it work.

 

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Posted by on May 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Day 25 – I’m Afraid of the Dark!

Day 25 – I’m Afraid of the Dark!

I have been afraid of the dark for as long as I can remember. I remember laying in my crib as a baby and seeing these colored figured come to me. I would close my eyes and when I would open them they would be far away again and come closer again. It scared me because I didn’t know what it was. Then when I was a bit older I had some strange shit happening at night, weird noises etc… So that intensified my fear even more. Also what contributed to an increase in fear were horror movies and stories. I imagined experiencing these horrible thing, like something invisible grabbing my feet, or seeing something very scary that I didn’t want to see, or having a possession or poltergeist experience. After every scary movie, the fear was much worse.

Through the desteni forums I found help in how to deal with this fear, to realize where it comes from and to stop participating in it. I havent had fear in the dark anymore, except when I have heard strange things or had a nightmare. Sometimes the fear still gets stronger after a scary movie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine scary scenario’s that I have seen in movies or heard in stories of other people, believing it might happen to me and creating more fear within me by fueling those thoughts through my participation in them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of things that I cant explain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think things that I dont know are “scary” and should be fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark because I cant identify things when they attack me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the dark to being attacked, and to danger, based on the movies I have seen and stories I have heard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that things “from another world” or “dimension” are supposed to be feared and can do bad things to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even when those things happen, I do not have to fear it or imagine it being more powerful than me or hurting me, there is absolutely no point in having such thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that strange other worldy beings are more than me, not equal to me

When and as I notice thoughts com eup about scary scenarios, I stop them and breath, I let them go and do not follow those thoughts. I realize that there is nothing to fear, and if something happens then I will do my best to direct myself the best way possible in the situation. If fear comes up when something DOES happen for real, then it happens, but it is absolutely pointless to think about it, imagine it, fuel those thoughts and fear things that are not here.

I realize the dark is nothing to fear, but that sometimes you have to be cautious, for example in real life dangerous areas. It would be foolish to walk there alone. So always use common sense.

 
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Posted by on May 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Day 24 – When “Healthy” Eating become Dangerous

Day 24 – When “Healthy” Eating become Dangerous

Up unto the age of about 16-17 I didn’t really care about what I ate. I was a regular omnivore in Belgium, ate home cooked meals every day but candy and such as well. Each day I would eat a chocolat bar, I sometimes made cake dough and eat it like that. I would sometimes make fries and eggroles for breakfast. I never gained weight so I didn’t mind.
The first thing I stopped was drinking soda, like coca cola, because I heard about how bad it was for the body.
Then I became a vegetarian because I heard about what happened to the animals, it was an easy decision and I simply replaced meat with substitutes. I had anemia as an omnivore, which I cured when I became a vegetarian. This was probabyl because I cut out a lot of crap from my diet. After a while I became vegan because I heard about abuse in the dairy industry as well. Anyway, I began to research more about food because I was starting to cook meals for myself. Doing this, I also found info about what is healthy and what is not. I found it mostly online but also it was in TV shows sometimes. It was all very intresting to me.

One day I came upon a raw food website, 80/10/10 , high carb (fruit) and low fat. I heard about peoples amazing results + it was even better if I also didn’t have to eat plants! Only the fruit that drops from the plant. I decided to try this. I believed it was the way to go, that it was the healthiest. I started to eat massive amounts of bananas and dates, as well as other fruit such as pineapple for example and pears. In the evening I mostly ate a huge salad. I noticed that my bowel movements became very loose and big in quantity. Also I would never really feel satisfied when eating. I have to add that I was not eating enough according to the 80/10/10 principle of over 2000 , more like 3000 calories a day. I was eating about 1500. That was because my mom refused to buy so much bananas. One evening I decided to have a smoothie and mixed bananas with broccoli, cuccumber and dates… Man, did I regret doing that! I got serieus cramps and was on the toilet for a long time. I noticed more consequences, like I got some white on my tongue at the back which I never ever had, my skin turned yellow, I got very little pimples on my face, I got cold even faster, I got urticaria and felt weak when I went dancing and got a bacterial infection on my hand. Also I had to have surgery for my wisdom teeth, and therefor I had to be measures and such… There I found out my weight was 57kg, and I came from about 62 kg which is around my “normal” weight (im 1m76). So that means my BMI was 18 , which is underweight. I was kinda anxious about that, togethe rwith all my other complaints, so I ate a chocolat bar lol.
Some people pointed out to me that I was holding on to believes about healthy eating, and this was true. I looked at it, and saw this clearly wasn’t working for me. I am not saying this can’t work for anyone else who is able to do this PROPERLY, but not for me. So I decided to stop and start eating what I liked, what my body responded well to, and which I have had good results with long term from my past. So I returned back to eating vegan, with also sometimes eggs from our own chickens.

I don’t know what would have happened if I continued with this, but it is good that I stopped. I was placing my believes about health, above the actual health of my body. Thus I was actually doing what I tried to prevent = being unhealthy. I had adopted an eating style that caused severe reactions. And I did that for months and months. Because I knew, sometimes it takes long for your body to adjust when you come out of bad habbits.
Now I still eat a lot of raw, fruit, but cooked as well every day, and much more fat, which feels much better. I got my strenght back, the weird symptoms went away, and my weight went back up to 61kg. Now often when I eat bananas, it doesn’t feel good in my stomach, and sometimes makes me feel ill. So I thought that maybe I just cant properly digest them and my body doesn’t need them at this moment. Sometimes I need more of this, and another time of that. It is never really set in stone and can fluctuate over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my health believes above my actual health, eating in a way that I think is healthy, while my body is telling me the opposit. And holding on to it for months in a row, simply because I believe it was healthy,while in fact it wasn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do what is best for my body = which is eating what it requires to maintain itself. But rather I ate not enough, of food that I thought was the healthiest, and refused to eat enough because that would mean I had to incorporate “bad food” to get my daily amount of calories in, and I thought it was not as healthy, assuming that eating less but of the “right food” would be better than eating more but with including some “bad food”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to the signs my body sends me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and convince others about a healthy eating habbit, while in fact it was not making me healthy at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to something that was not working for me, simply because my mind convinced me that it was stil the healthiest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do something properly, and treat my body in as inferior to my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear eating so called “bad” food because it may make me sick, and I would only find out later, when it is too late, and then I would regret it and hope that I never ate those things, but would have no way to reverse it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to reverse something I did wrong

I realize that it is ok to test out different eating habbits, for your body to be healthy , not for vanity reasons. And that it is ok to test this for a while. But if it is not working, it is best to not stick to it just because you believe in it.

When and as I notice that I eat something because I believe it is healthy, but in fact my body is showing the opposit, I stop it when I realize it is clearly not working.

When and as I doubt about what to eat, I listen to my body and find out what it enjoys to eat, and eat that. I realize sometimes it may be trial and error, and there is no judgment in trying something. The problem is when you stick to a believe that is causing you harm, and never let it go even when it is not doing what it is supposed to do= which is maintaining a healthy body.

 
 

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Day 23 – Accumulated Stress

Day 23 – Accumulated Stress

One of the chickens has been ill since a couple weeks, and I tried to take care of her as best as possible. I tried to make her eat by cooking and buying a lot of different foods (to no avail) and then took her to the vet several times, and now she has to have injections every day. I also had to give her oral medicine which was quite hard to do. And because I can’t explain to her what I am doing, she gets stressed when it happens. And so do I. I noticed that I got frustrated within myself when she yet again did not want to eat something that I made her. It was not because of the fact that I made it, but the fact that she didn’t want to eat and was getting thinner and thinner which reduces her chance of survival. She only weighs 1.88 kg right now. So I got kind of upset with her being this way, which I first denied. I kind of brushed it off, told myself to toughen up, reasoning with myself to try and stop the emotions. But even when I didn’t think about it, I got problems sleeping and after a couple of days the stress was there non-stop.I then thought ok.. maybe I should do some exercise to release it. Nope, didn’t help either. I felt like crying the whole time but I didn’t want to cry because I let reason be my guide.

Then my mom noticed something was up, because I hadn’t talked about this to anyone. She asked in a concerned way: is something wrong? And as I said: I am full of stress, I began to cry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. But strangely, after that I immediatly felt better. Probably because crying releases all kinds of chemicals and shit in your body. My mom told me that I will have to get stronger, because I am very sensitive to such situations, seeing animals suffer. It is true, but at this point it is not something that I can just stop. Because I really shouldn’t stress myself about it, and simply do what I can for the animal.
Also she noted that by having the chickens, I also contribute to more insects being killed, which is true.

A few days before, in the midst of it all, I also got sick during the bad sleeping time. One day I woke up feeling strange in my stomach. That day I had to go to school but was tired the whole time, and in the evening I developed fever. Next day… it was gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can reason my emotions and stress away, and when it was not working, that it keps accumulating within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let reason tell me that I shouldnt cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to cry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am weak for being so sensitive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be “strong” and feelingless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be blank when seeing an animal struggle
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bottle up my emotions and ignoring them, thinking that it will go away like that, not realizing how it is actually accumulating within me, which leads to an overflow after a certain period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about animal suffering that I contribute to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having chickens and contributing to insects death
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for choosing chickens over insects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself when I fed worms to the chickens
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person who doesnt care when I fed worms to the chickens

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my emotions, which made me physically full of stress and even sick

When and as I notice a build up of stress within me, I breath and I allow myself to cry if I feel the crying come up. I do not judge myself and I talk about it to someone or write about it to release the experience from within me.

I stop the judgements towards myself for being a human that lives in an environment where we have to kill to eat. I also will not feed worms to the chickens because actually they have enough other food to live on. The insects they catch themselves, is ofcourse their own survival instinct, necessary for their body to function properly.

when and as I notice I get stressed because of an ill animal, I stop myself from constant worrying, and I direct myself to simply do what I can for the animal.

And also I only have this when I am faced with the suffering. I think our society is a buffer for caring, because often when suffering is not around us, we don’t care. Like starvation, I mean we hear about it, but how much do we ACTUALLY care? How much do we work on stopping this? We require to stand together to create a system that does not exploit life, does not create abusers, and does what is best for all.
When I have suffering around me, I feel bad, and I want to stop it. When I dont have suffering around me, I dont feel bad, but I still want to stop it. So this is where we should go = to realize and face the suffering in this world, and decide that we will do what we can to stop it (inside and outside). So that you do not require emotions to care. Because it doesn’t mean that I feel strong emotions about an animal near me, that I care less about an animal in africa for example.

So, let’s stand and work together, to do what is best for all, not depending on how close we are to something, or how we feel, but on one principle: what is best for all, Equality as our essence.

 
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Posted by on May 9, 2012 in Mental health

 

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Day 22 – I want to Prove Myself to You

Day 22 – I want to Prove Myself to You

As a child, I often had the experience of feeling overwhelmd when someone didn’t believe me, or thought something about me that wasn’t true. And it made me upset and I wanted to prove to that person that i was different, or that I didn’t do it. I sometimes got really sad and frustrated because of it. Some sort of helpless feeling because there was nothing I could do to convince that other person. What would have been the cure? Let it go. Realize that you can only sometimes explain something to another, but when they do not want to hear, you can’t make them, even when you want to. So best to not react and put yourself into stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove myself to another person and get upset when he/she does not hear what I say and keeps being stuck in the same judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get emotional / sad / frustrated when someone accuses me of something I didn’t do, or am, and that I have no way of showing them the opposit because they already made up their mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the emotions overwhelme me, without directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not having realized that I do not need to follow my emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to convince another and base my self-experience on what the opinion of that other is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value anothers judgement about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that that person who judges me wrong may infect others who will believe the lies he/she spreads about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire everyone to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being disliked

Sometimes another persons opinion or judgment about you, can be directly related to your quality of life. For example when you have an abusive parent who uses his/her child as an outlet of his/her anger. The child is often helpless and in a pretty fucked up situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assert my anger on my child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child for things he/she didn’t do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child because of the emotions I feel within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child because I am angry and need to vent it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the anger inside me control me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my anger, and assert it onto another living being, a child even, that is dependant on me, not realizing how I am fucking up the childs life through my own ignorance and abuse

When and as I notice myself reacting to someone who does not believe me, I stop and breath and realize that all I can do in the situation is direct myself and stop the emotions within me

When and as I notice myself getting angry, I stop and breath and let do not in any way assert this onto another living being. I look at where the anger comes from and take responsibility to stop it

When and as I notice myself getting frustrated or sad when someone accuses me falsfly, I stop and breath. I explain the situation as best as I can, but when the other does not want to hear, I let it go and make sure that I do not base my emotions on the opinion of this other person. I stop desiring to convince them and direct myself.

 

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Day 21 – I Hate Crowds!

Day 21 – I Hate Crowds!

For a long period of my life I had strong reactions towards being in large groups of people, crowds.. the mall, a market place. It felt quite overwhelming. Sometimes we would go to the mall and I would get hot flashes, become extremely tired and feel nervous inside my chest.
What was actually fueling this, was not the crowd in itself, but my thoughts within this situation. Thinking about how people would look at me, maybe notice me, keep an eye on me, judge me, thinking how annoying it is. At the same time, my eyes seem to go into overdrive because of the stimuli around me. There is so much happening that at times I got a bit dizzy from it. Because of the thoughts, I would intensify my own symptoms and feel anxious and stressed, and annoyed. I would often say that it is because I am highly sensitive.

So when dealing with this pattern, and stopping these thoughts, I have become calm within such situations. I do not allow the thoughts to come up and I simply breath and be in the moment without pre-occupying my mind about the people around me. The hot flashes disappeared, so did the dizziness. I stop looking at to much in too high intensity and focus simply on remaining here, being here. It is not really that I focus on it anymore, it is more like something that results automatically when you stop to allow these thoughts to control you. You stop racing in your mind, and so do your eyes and the rest. I do get tired still sometimes in busy places, but all the other symptoms have gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intensify feelings of stress and anxiety through participating in thoughts that come up when I am around other people or crowds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I hate crowds because of the feelings I experience when I am among crowds, not realizing that it was fueled through my own participation in my mind, and that I was simply hating it because of the strong reactions I had created towards crowds through allowing my mind to be in control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about how other people may judge me, and then feel anxious because of this, not realizing that their judgment about me does not matter

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to simply stop these thoughts and not follow them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as less than who I am, because I have allowed my mind/thoughts to control me and make me feel sick amongst crowds, not realizing I have the power to direct myself and stop this uncomfortable situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own thoughts, and find a reason and excuse to why I experience this, such as “high sensitivity”, without realizing that I can actually stop this situation within myself, and not allow myself to be concerned with others judgments or constantly focus on the people around me

When and as I notice my thoughts drift off when I am within a crowd, thinking about how they judge me, or see me etc… I stop and breath and do not allow these thoughts to control me. I let them go and breath, be in the moment and stop fueling these thoughts that cause me to have stronger physical reactions. I do not choose my programmed mind over the health of my physical body.

When and as I notice I get anxious within a crowd, I stop and I breath and focus on move in the moment. I bring myself back here.

When and as I notice I still get tired, I simply continue to move myself and not follow the thoughts, without judging myself for being tired. I direct myself, regardless of being tired or not.

I realize that sometimes a physical experience being part of a crowd, can be “natural” as in that the temperature may rise, and that oxygen levels may decrease. In that situation I simply do what I can to improve it in the moment.

 

 
 

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Day 20 – Heels are Supposed to Hurt! Stupid!

Day 20 – Heels are Supposed to Hurt! Stupid!

Who really is stupid? Wearing heals that cripple and damage your feet, which makes you sigh in relief whenever you take them of at the end of the day. Asking yourself why on earth you keep putting them on. Well to be sexy, attractive, show yourself of as powerful, “feminine” etc… All about what others will think about you.
Choosing our mind, over the health of our bodies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear high heels that hurt my feet, simply because I think they make me look sexy, they make my ass stick out or elongate my legs, and I think about how others will notice this and judge me possitivly on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive my self-confidence and self-worth from the shoes I wear, feeling confident when I wear high heels, feeling not when I wear flats

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to le tmy self confidence be dependant on others opinions about me or the thoughts I have about others opinions about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt my physical body, simply because of the desires and fears within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as ugly or undesirable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being seen as a woman or lady

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link high heels, which is damaging to the feet, as feminine and womanly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have gained confidence and power when I feel good when I wear high heels, not realizing that in fact I am getting this from the thoughts I have about others opinions about me, which is not self confidence at all, but merely shows my lack of confidence because i constantly need others approval and acceptance.

When and as I notice I want to wear high heels to be sexy/beautiful/have people notice me/have self confidence, I stop and breath and realize I am here, equal to others, part of life, not needing high heels to “enhance” myself, realizing that this is merely a construct of the beauty system and I do not require to follow it. I let go of the thoughts and accept my human physical body and realize it is good the way it is. I will treat it with the respect it/I deserve, and do what I can to keep it healthy.

When and as I notice judgements towards others who wear flat shoes or high heels, I stop and breath and realize these judgements are shallow beauty system constructs that do not serve life in any way. They only create friction inside and outside of myself. I will not allow myself to judge and take in this abusive construct.

I do not allow the profit driven consumerist system to make me insecure about what I look like, about the body that gives me life, the body I am. I refuse to be a slave to this, and direct myself to stop this system that creates fake desires in people in the sake of money, in the sake of request and demand.
I realize many people actually do not take in consideration where there desires come from, thinking it is their free will, while it is not.

I express myself within needing thoughts about how confident I am or how unconfident I am. I stop those thoughts of constant comparisson and fear about others thoughts about me.

 
 

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