Since I was about 14 years old, I have been attracted to the idea of being dominated. Not in sex, but close, on a physical level. I used to have some guy friends and we played around sometimes, where one of them sometimes held me down and I really liked that. Also I often imagined about similar things, and it always made me feel good. But when such a situation occurred outside of a playful scenario, I did not like it at all. I was once stopped with my bike by 2 guys that threatened me, and I felt afraid and disgusted by them. So when the imagined situation was more real, I had the opposite feeling. When it was in a playful scenario or in my mind, I felt good.
Where did it start? I got nu clue. I know that it often was stronger around the time of the month that I had my … shit how do you call it in english… well the part of the month where a woman is fertile. I thought it might be hormones or something, but then again, I was participating in the thoughts. I never thought about the sex part though, that was not appealing to me. As I learned to take self-responsibility for myself: thoughts, emotions, fears, feelings etc… I stopped allowing that imagination and I have not had those thoughts for over 4 years.
But here I will share the self-forgiveness which may assist anyone who experiences this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be dominated because it makes me feel good, not realizing that it requires another to desire to dominate, which is often the case with rapists or sexual offenders, who cannot control their “urges” and have lived their desire up to a point of compromising another human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for someone to overpower me, simply because it makes me feel good, not realizing that I have to place myself in an inferior helpless position to experience this. Thinking that it is good simply because of the way it makes me feel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine being hurt by another, in a dominating situation, allowing this imagination to direct me, and following this imagination because it makes me feel good inside.
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize that the imagination of being hurt by another because it makes me feel good, is a thought that originates from me placing myself as inferior, not equal, and also creating an alternate reality in my mind, which is not the same as real life, where I do not feel good when I am really threatened by another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about domination, fighting and violence towards myself in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat myself as an object
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ‘ashamed’ of these images within my mind and within this, only prolonging my process of taking self forgiveness and responsibility for every allowing them in the first place.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define this as ‘not that bad of a thing’
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself being abused within my mind and feeling aroused to that image
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘rape’ to exist within me as an image of energetic satisfaction
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the porn industry who feed into, and support rape and violence by ensuring its continuation within this world through the suggestions that it is okay, based on the manipulation of ‘rape’ and violent energy
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly following my programming as a slave, without investigating why I feel this, if this is best for all or not.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subject to the energy given off by ‘rape’ within this world, in conducting that energy as myself and existing within it as but an energetic transmitter of that energy in keeping it ruminant within this world within and throughout humanity through consciousness.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself above rapists, thinking that they should control themselves, because I can, and that their urges should be controlled, but that mine can run loose.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to further support the porn industry’s by ‘pushing’ and forcing onto another my thoughts, and ‘pictures’ and ‘ideas’ about rape, in suggesting that it be okay, through the words and my actions within my world
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the porn industry-any world system industry for that matter- do not truly have ‘morality as they project of themselves as how one would to their child, but will simply do and say and present ANYTHING to the world for the right amount of money.- this is the true nature of the mind.
When and as I notice these thoughts come up, I stop and breath and do not in any way allow myself to follow them. I direct myself and do not allow within me what I do not want outside myself. I do not allow myself to be placed as an inferior object because it feels good. I direct myself to do what is best, regardless of how it makes me feel.
When and as I notice thoughts about being hurt come up, I stop and breath and do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts. I do not want to be hurt, and neither do I want another to be hurt or desire to hurt someone. Because to be hurt, you require someone to hurt you. This scenario is clearly not best for all.