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Category Archives: Sexuality and relationships

Day 15 – Dominate me

Day 15 – Dominate me

Since I was about 14 years old, I have been attracted to the idea of being dominated. Not in sex, but close, on a physical level. I used to have some guy friends and we played around sometimes, where one of them sometimes held me down and I really liked that. Also I often imagined about similar things, and it always made me feel good. But when such a situation occurred outside of a playful scenario, I did not like it at all. I was once stopped with my bike by 2 guys that threatened me, and I felt afraid and disgusted by them. So when the imagined situation was more real, I had the opposite feeling. When it was in a playful scenario or in my mind, I felt good.

Where did it start? I got nu clue. I know that it often was stronger around the time of the month that I had my … shit how do you call it in english… well the part of the month where a woman is fertile. I thought it might be hormones or something, but then again, I was participating in the thoughts. I never thought about the sex part though, that was not appealing to me. As I learned to take self-responsibility for myself: thoughts, emotions, fears, feelings etc… I stopped allowing that imagination and I have not had those thoughts for over 4 years.

But here I will share the self-forgiveness which may assist anyone who experiences this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be dominated because it makes me feel good, not realizing that it requires another to desire to dominate, which is often the case with rapists or sexual offenders, who cannot control their “urges” and have lived their desire up to a point of compromising another human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for someone to overpower me, simply because it makes me feel good, not realizing that I have to place myself in an inferior helpless position to experience this. Thinking that it is good simply because of the way it makes me feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine being hurt by another, in a dominating situation, allowing this imagination to direct me, and following this imagination because it makes me feel good  inside.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize that the imagination of being hurt by another because it makes me feel good, is a thought that originates from me  placing myself as inferior, not equal, and also creating an alternate reality in my mind, which is not the same as real life, where I do not feel good when I am really threatened by another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about domination, fighting and violence towards myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat myself as an object
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ‘ashamed’ of these images within my mind and within this, only prolonging my process of taking self forgiveness and responsibility for every allowing them in the first place.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define this as ‘not that bad of a thing’
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself being abused within my mind and feeling aroused to that image
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘rape’ to exist within me as an image of energetic satisfaction
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the porn industry who feed into, and support rape and violence by ensuring its continuation within this world through the suggestions that it is okay, based on the manipulation of ‘rape’ and violent energy

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly following my programming as a slave, without investigating why I feel this, if this is best for all or not.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subject to the energy given off by ‘rape’ within this world, in conducting that energy as myself and existing within it as but an energetic transmitter of that energy in keeping it ruminant within this world within and throughout humanity through consciousness.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself above rapists, thinking that they should control themselves, because I can, and that their urges should be controlled, but that mine can run loose.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to further support the porn industry’s by ‘pushing’ and forcing onto another my thoughts, and ‘pictures’ and ‘ideas’ about rape, in suggesting that it be okay, through the words and my actions within my world

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the porn industry-any world system industry for that matter- do not truly have ‘morality as they project of themselves as how one would to their child, but will simply do and say and present ANYTHING to the world for the right amount of money.- this is the true nature of the mind.

When and as I notice these thoughts come up, I stop and breath and do not in any way allow myself to follow them. I direct myself and do not allow within me what I do not want outside myself. I do not allow myself to be placed as an inferior object because it feels good. I direct myself to do what is best, regardless of how it makes me feel.

When and as I notice thoughts about being hurt come up, I stop and breath and do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts. I do not want to be hurt, and neither do I want another to be hurt or desire to hurt someone. Because to be hurt, you require someone to hurt you. This scenario is clearly not best for all.

 

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Day 11 – The Child Molester

Day 11 – The Child Molester

The Child Molester

I remember when I was 8 years old I was at school playing with a girl from my class. There were also toddlers around and we ended up playing with this little girl, maybe she was 3 or something. At one point, the little girl fell down and somehow that made me feel good. Me and the friend kept being around her and tried to make her fall or do something stupid. At one point, we pushed her and felt good about it. I mean a really physical good feeling. I know it sounds pretty disturbing, but this is what I experiences as a little girl of 8 years old. Now I do not experience this anymore, I think it was around that age (8-9) when it was the last time I experienced that, but why on earth did I feel enjoyment hurting a little girl? Am I born as a psychopath? And what about the other girl with me, she seemed to experience the same thing. It immediately places me in the shoes of child molesters, who enjoy hurting children because it makes them feel good, because of urges within them. And urge is an urge, and I had that urge.
Why was I created with that urge in me? How fucked up is that for a child to experience. I didn’t have trauma in my childhood either, I had a very good childhood without abuse.

So this urge, I really cannot connect it rationally to anything of my life personally, all I know is that I experienced it, and that it was thus part of my “design”, my programming.

So this self forgiveness will be as all the people in this world with urges like this, including the pedophiles. The self forgiveness is thus not always about my own experience. As you notice and will notice in other blog posts, the self forgiveness is often stated in the shoes of another person. Because I know, that also murderers and child molesters can stop their programming and direct themselves to stop the abuse within and outside themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like hurting a little girl
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting another child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure about a child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure seeing another little child cry or hurt
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure threatening another child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to hurt a child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel power over another little child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child for my own pleasures
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child so I can satisfy my desires, not realizing that this child is a human being just like me, and that I cannot force my will upon them. And that if I do this, the child will have a damaging experience that it will carry along in its life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my feelings as superior to those of another human being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desires to run freely within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can change myself and stop following my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the child is a human being equal and one to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in thoughts about how I could increase my pleasure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that are harmful towards another human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as sexual objects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as objects that I can use to satisfy my lust
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my past haunt me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself as a prisoner to my past
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for who I have become.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child molestation’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child rape’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child rapist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child molester.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘unontrollable sexual urges’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘sex addict’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘pervert’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘creeper’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as stupid.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as angry
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.

When and as I notice these judgements come up, I stop and breath and do not follow them. I realize I am part of life, programmed as anyone else, and have the opportunity to change and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to hide me from me when wanting to keep something like that I’ve watched pedophile material in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children do not have a fully developed brain to make choices
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children cant make choices such as I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I have become, getting angry at myself and not realizing I can change. I feed my own anger and frustration, and act out in even more anger or frustration towards children for example, because I think it is too late for me anyway.

When and as I notice these feelings or urges come up, I stop and breath and do not follow the thoughts that come up. I direct myself to do what is best for all in that moment, which is not allowing these thoughts to control me, and not allowing myself to act on them, not threatening a child in any way.

When and as I notice self judgement and self hatred come up, I stop and breath and let it go. I stop judging and hating myself and realize that I can change. Even when I still feel those urges. I will myself to step by step stop them, and find out the pattern behind them. I am not a slave to them and I can correct myself and be who I choose myself to be, instead of being how I am programmed to be.

I stand for a world best for all, that means to do unto others what I want done unto myself, and not harming another or using them against their will for my own pleasure. I would not want anyone to do something to me that I don’t want to be done unto me either.

 

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