It started pretty young, around the age of 12-13. I used to spend all my money that I got from family members on, clothing, make-up or other things to “enhance” my appearance. I used to feel super exited about the idea of going to the stores or the mall. The day before I would feel as if I was going to an amusement park or something. The idea to make myself look so much prettier with those items made me really exited. I looked forward to it. In the shops I then would search for clothing that I found pretty and which would make me pretty, I would also buy hair coloring products, mascara’s, facial masks, hairmasks, shoes etc… A lot of shit.
What was behind this all was insecurity, and using others judgement about my appearance to judge myself. Feeling good when others found me pretty, feeling bad when they didn’t, or when I thought I looked ugly (which was most of the time). Because no matter how many compliments, I never really felt pretty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the beauty industry and media to influence me to such an extend that I blindly copied the judgments from it, and place them unto myself and others, being directed as a slave to buy a shitload of products and items to apprantly make me “better”, “prettier”, “more perfect”. Not realizing how brainwashed I was and how this was driven by a profit driven system that exploits and abuses life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take in the judgmenets from the media about appearance, and from movies and peers and others around me, and use them to judge myself and according to that feel good or bad about myself. By doing this I make myself inferior to others, and to an industry which exploits life for profit
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive happyness from the buying of items and products that I hope will stop the insecurity and inferiority within me, using it to try and boost my self confidence, or others attraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get exited about buying things to enhancem y beauty, not realizing how this is brainwashed within my mind, fueled by our profit driven system of consumerism and vanity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy things that I dont really need, simply because of a desire within me for approval of others, or because of fear within me about rejection or looking ugly and being judged
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let others judgements determin my behavior
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow what the fashion industry tells me looks good on me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live inside of a bubble of fear, trying to eleviate this fear through consumption
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and take a good look at how the media and fashion industry programs people to be insecure and judge themselves and others to create profit, and how this whole industry actually exploits life, brings chemicals in nature, tests on animals, has people judging each other on looks or clothing, and creates a distrorted vision about what is important in the world
When and as I notice the judgements towards myself, the fear of others judgement or desire for approval come up, I stop and breath and let it go. I do not allow myself to judge myself or take on the judgements of others. I am a living being part of planet earth and refuse to support this vain and empty culture that w ehave created that exploits life.
When and as I notice the urge to go and buy products and items to so called “enhance” my physical appearance, because others would find it beautiful, I stop and breath and realize I do not require those products. People who judge others on that are brainwashed as well as I am, and do not realize yet what they are actually participating in. I refuse to participate in this any longer, and I will also speak out about this when I have the chance, to show others what I have realized about myself. SImply sharing my realization, and what they do with it is up to them.