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Day 11 – The Child Molester

25 Apr
Day 11 – The Child Molester

The Child Molester

I remember when I was 8 years old I was at school playing with a girl from my class. There were also toddlers around and we ended up playing with this little girl, maybe she was 3 or something. At one point, the little girl fell down and somehow that made me feel good. Me and the friend kept being around her and tried to make her fall or do something stupid. At one point, we pushed her and felt good about it. I mean a really physical good feeling. I know it sounds pretty disturbing, but this is what I experiences as a little girl of 8 years old. Now I do not experience this anymore, I think it was around that age (8-9) when it was the last time I experienced that, but why on earth did I feel enjoyment hurting a little girl? Am I born as a psychopath? And what about the other girl with me, she seemed to experience the same thing. It immediately places me in the shoes of child molesters, who enjoy hurting children because it makes them feel good, because of urges within them. And urge is an urge, and I had that urge.
Why was I created with that urge in me? How fucked up is that for a child to experience. I didn’t have trauma in my childhood either, I had a very good childhood without abuse.

So this urge, I really cannot connect it rationally to anything of my life personally, all I know is that I experienced it, and that it was thus part of my “design”, my programming.

So this self forgiveness will be as all the people in this world with urges like this, including the pedophiles. The self forgiveness is thus not always about my own experience. As you notice and will notice in other blog posts, the self forgiveness is often stated in the shoes of another person. Because I know, that also murderers and child molesters can stop their programming and direct themselves to stop the abuse within and outside themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like hurting a little girl
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting another child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure about a child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure seeing another little child cry or hurt
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure threatening another child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to hurt a child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel power over another little child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child for my own pleasures
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child so I can satisfy my desires, not realizing that this child is a human being just like me, and that I cannot force my will upon them. And that if I do this, the child will have a damaging experience that it will carry along in its life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my feelings as superior to those of another human being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desires to run freely within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can change myself and stop following my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the child is a human being equal and one to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in thoughts about how I could increase my pleasure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that are harmful towards another human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as sexual objects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as objects that I can use to satisfy my lust
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my past haunt me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself as a prisoner to my past
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for who I have become.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child molestation’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child rape’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child rapist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child molester.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘unontrollable sexual urges’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘sex addict’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘pervert’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘creeper’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as stupid.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as angry
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.

When and as I notice these judgements come up, I stop and breath and do not follow them. I realize I am part of life, programmed as anyone else, and have the opportunity to change and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to hide me from me when wanting to keep something like that I’ve watched pedophile material in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children do not have a fully developed brain to make choices
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children cant make choices such as I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I have become, getting angry at myself and not realizing I can change. I feed my own anger and frustration, and act out in even more anger or frustration towards children for example, because I think it is too late for me anyway.

When and as I notice these feelings or urges come up, I stop and breath and do not follow the thoughts that come up. I direct myself to do what is best for all in that moment, which is not allowing these thoughts to control me, and not allowing myself to act on them, not threatening a child in any way.

When and as I notice self judgement and self hatred come up, I stop and breath and let it go. I stop judging and hating myself and realize that I can change. Even when I still feel those urges. I will myself to step by step stop them, and find out the pattern behind them. I am not a slave to them and I can correct myself and be who I choose myself to be, instead of being how I am programmed to be.

I stand for a world best for all, that means to do unto others what I want done unto myself, and not harming another or using them against their will for my own pleasure. I would not want anyone to do something to me that I don’t want to be done unto me either.

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