Day 23 – Accumulated Stress

One of the chickens has been ill since a couple weeks, and I tried to take care of her as best as possible. I tried to make her eat by cooking and buying a lot of different foods (to no avail) and then took her to the vet several times, and now she has to have injections every day. I also had to give her oral medicine which was quite hard to do. And because I can’t explain to her what I am doing, she gets stressed when it happens. And so do I. I noticed that I got frustrated within myself when she yet again did not want to eat something that I made her. It was not because of the fact that I made it, but the fact that she didn’t want to eat and was getting thinner and thinner which reduces her chance of survival. She only weighs 1.88 kg right now. So I got kind of upset with her being this way, which I first denied. I kind of brushed it off, told myself to toughen up, reasoning with myself to try and stop the emotions. But even when I didn’t think about it, I got problems sleeping and after a couple of days the stress was there non-stop.I then thought ok.. maybe I should do some exercise to release it. Nope, didn’t help either. I felt like crying the whole time but I didn’t want to cry because I let reason be my guide.

Then my mom noticed something was up, because I hadn’t talked about this to anyone. She asked in a concerned way: is something wrong? And as I said: I am full of stress, I began to cry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. But strangely, after that I immediatly felt better. Probably because crying releases all kinds of chemicals and shit in your body. My mom told me that I will have to get stronger, because I am very sensitive to such situations, seeing animals suffer. It is true, but at this point it is not something that I can just stop. Because I really shouldn’t stress myself about it, and simply do what I can for the animal.
Also she noted that by having the chickens, I also contribute to more insects being killed, which is true.

A few days before, in the midst of it all, I also got sick during the bad sleeping time. One day I woke up feeling strange in my stomach. That day I had to go to school but was tired the whole time, and in the evening I developed fever. Next day… it was gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can reason my emotions and stress away, and when it was not working, that it keps accumulating within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let reason tell me that I shouldnt cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to cry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am weak for being so sensitive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be “strong” and feelingless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be blank when seeing an animal struggle
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bottle up my emotions and ignoring them, thinking that it will go away like that, not realizing how it is actually accumulating within me, which leads to an overflow after a certain period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about animal suffering that I contribute to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having chickens and contributing to insects death
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for choosing chickens over insects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself when I fed worms to the chickens
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person who doesnt care when I fed worms to the chickens

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my emotions, which made me physically full of stress and even sick

When and as I notice a build up of stress within me, I breath and I allow myself to cry if I feel the crying come up. I do not judge myself and I talk about it to someone or write about it to release the experience from within me.

I stop the judgements towards myself for being a human that lives in an environment where we have to kill to eat. I also will not feed worms to the chickens because actually they have enough other food to live on. The insects they catch themselves, is ofcourse their own survival instinct, necessary for their body to function properly.

when and as I notice I get stressed because of an ill animal, I stop myself from constant worrying, and I direct myself to simply do what I can for the animal.

And also I only have this when I am faced with the suffering. I think our society is a buffer for caring, because often when suffering is not around us, we don’t care. Like starvation, I mean we hear about it, but how much do we ACTUALLY care? How much do we work on stopping this? We require to stand together to create a system that does not exploit life, does not create abusers, and does what is best for all.
When I have suffering around me, I feel bad, and I want to stop it. When I dont have suffering around me, I dont feel bad, but I still want to stop it. So this is where we should go = to realize and face the suffering in this world, and decide that we will do what we can to stop it (inside and outside). So that you do not require emotions to care. Because it doesn’t mean that I feel strong emotions about an animal near me, that I care less about an animal in africa for example.

So, let’s stand and work together, to do what is best for all, not depending on how close we are to something, or how we feel, but on one principle: what is best for all, Equality as our essence.

 

Day 22 – I want to Prove Myself to You

As a child, I often had the experience of feeling overwhelmd when someone didn’t believe me, or thought something about me that wasn’t true. And it made me upset and I wanted to prove to that person that i was different, or that I didn’t do it. I sometimes got really sad and frustrated because of it. Some sort of helpless feeling because there was nothing I could do to convince that other person. What would have been the cure? Let it go. Realize that you can only sometimes explain something to another, but when they do not want to hear, you can’t make them, even when you want to. So best to not react and put yourself into stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove myself to another person and get upset when he/she does not hear what I say and keeps being stuck in the same judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get emotional / sad / frustrated when someone accuses me of something I didn’t do, or am, and that I have no way of showing them the opposit because they already made up their mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the emotions overwhelme me, without directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not having realized that I do not need to follow my emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to convince another and base my self-experience on what the opinion of that other is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value anothers judgement about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that that person who judges me wrong may infect others who will believe the lies he/she spreads about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire everyone to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being disliked

Sometimes another persons opinion or judgment about you, can be directly related to your quality of life. For example when you have an abusive parent who uses his/her child as an outlet of his/her anger. The child is often helpless and in a pretty fucked up situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assert my anger on my child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child for things he/she didn’t do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child because of the emotions I feel within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my child because I am angry and need to vent it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the anger inside me control me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my anger, and assert it onto another living being, a child even, that is dependant on me, not realizing how I am fucking up the childs life through my own ignorance and abuse

When and as I notice myself reacting to someone who does not believe me, I stop and breath and realize that all I can do in the situation is direct myself and stop the emotions within me

When and as I notice myself getting angry, I stop and breath and let do not in any way assert this onto another living being. I look at where the anger comes from and take responsibility to stop it

When and as I notice myself getting frustrated or sad when someone accuses me falsfly, I stop and breath. I explain the situation as best as I can, but when the other does not want to hear, I let it go and make sure that I do not base my emotions on the opinion of this other person. I stop desiring to convince them and direct myself.

 

Day 21 – I Hate Crowds!

For a long period of my life I had strong reactions towards being in large groups of people, crowds.. the mall, a market place. It felt quite overwhelming. Sometimes we would go to the mall and I would get hot flashes, become extremely tired and feel nervous inside my chest.
What was actually fueling this, was not the crowd in itself, but my thoughts within this situation. Thinking about how people would look at me, maybe notice me, keep an eye on me, judge me, thinking how annoying it is. At the same time, my eyes seem to go into overdrive because of the stimuli around me. There is so much happening that at times I got a bit dizzy from it. Because of the thoughts, I would intensify my own symptoms and feel anxious and stressed, and annoyed. I would often say that it is because I am highly sensitive.

So when dealing with this pattern, and stopping these thoughts, I have become calm within such situations. I do not allow the thoughts to come up and I simply breath and be in the moment without pre-occupying my mind about the people around me. The hot flashes disappeared, so did the dizziness. I stop looking at to much in too high intensity and focus simply on remaining here, being here. It is not really that I focus on it anymore, it is more like something that results automatically when you stop to allow these thoughts to control you. You stop racing in your mind, and so do your eyes and the rest. I do get tired still sometimes in busy places, but all the other symptoms have gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intensify feelings of stress and anxiety through participating in thoughts that come up when I am around other people or crowds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I hate crowds because of the feelings I experience when I am among crowds, not realizing that it was fueled through my own participation in my mind, and that I was simply hating it because of the strong reactions I had created towards crowds through allowing my mind to be in control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about how other people may judge me, and then feel anxious because of this, not realizing that their judgment about me does not matter

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to simply stop these thoughts and not follow them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as less than who I am, because I have allowed my mind/thoughts to control me and make me feel sick amongst crowds, not realizing I have the power to direct myself and stop this uncomfortable situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own thoughts, and find a reason and excuse to why I experience this, such as “high sensitivity”, without realizing that I can actually stop this situation within myself, and not allow myself to be concerned with others judgments or constantly focus on the people around me

When and as I notice my thoughts drift off when I am within a crowd, thinking about how they judge me, or see me etc… I stop and breath and do not allow these thoughts to control me. I let them go and breath, be in the moment and stop fueling these thoughts that cause me to have stronger physical reactions. I do not choose my programmed mind over the health of my physical body.

When and as I notice I get anxious within a crowd, I stop and I breath and focus on move in the moment. I bring myself back here.

When and as I notice I still get tired, I simply continue to move myself and not follow the thoughts, without judging myself for being tired. I direct myself, regardless of being tired or not.

I realize that sometimes a physical experience being part of a crowd, can be “natural” as in that the temperature may rise, and that oxygen levels may decrease. In that situation I simply do what I can to improve it in the moment.

 

 

Day 18 – They are Going to Think I’m a Freak!

Sometimes people add me on facebook that I know in person as well, for example from school or from my hobbies. Whenever that happens, I have this sort of “scare” within me assuming they will look at my profile and think I am a total freak. It’s not like this fear stops me, because I am open about what I stand for, what I do etc… yet this fear does keep popping up. However, much less than it used to. I used to be much more concerned about “being different”, being seen as strange etc… It is funny that a girl in my class said: “we get along but we are all very different, this person is this, and that one is like this, and you are more “alternative”. Lol. I never really looked at myself as “alternative”. Because when I think about it, I imagine someone dressing like a hippie 😛

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that people who add me on facebook will think I am a freak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe people who add me on facebook will think I am a freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as “inferior” because I do post things on facebook that most of my every day contacts dont post. And then I compare myself to that, realize my facebook behavior is totally different, and then fear they will judge this as “freakish” or “crazy”, and will judge me for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let others judgements influence the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions and judgements about others based on what I imagine they will think, see or do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked, because I then feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self worth and feelings on how others react to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my own emotions on how others judge me

When and as I notice the fear coming up, I stop and breath and realize that it does not matter what another thinks about me. If they judge me than that is their judgement. I do not allow to judge others about what they might think about me. I stop the expectations and simply move myself to do what is best for all.

When and as I notice them reacting negativly towards what I do on facebook, I do not allow this to impact me, I let go of the emotions when and if they come up, and if necessary I simply remove the person from my facebook if he/she cannot handle what I share, which are the things that are necessary to be shared: the state of our world, the way we as humans exist, what we do to each other and ourselves etc…. Leaving on a blindfold will help no one, and it only accumulates the suffering we allow as a collective on this planet.

I stand for world equality, and everyone can know this. I wont let my fear stop me.

 

Day 16 – Did you Hurt me, or did I Hurt Myself?

I remember being accused of something I didn’t do. I don’t even remember what it was but anger welled up inside me and I yelled something and ran to my room and I was crying hard and scratched my arm super hard with my nails until it was bleeding,  because I didn’t knew how to deal with the emotions. It felt very strong, a sense of self hatred even. Merely by the fact that another person had reacted towards me, and judged me and accused me.
And then I looked at my arm and I felt so bad for what I did to myself. I was thinking: I dont deserve to hurt myself like that, why the fuck did I do that to myself. I felt guilty for having mutilated my body like that. And I then hide it so that no one would ever see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another for judging me wrongly, and justifying my reactions because of what another said – and as a result physically hurting myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically hurt my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because of what I experience within myself when another shows anger towards me and accuses me of something I didnt do, allowing this energy to posses me to a point where I inflict physical harm unto myself.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize that anothers reactions are their own responsibility, and that mine are mine. And that I should not take it personally if someone accuses me falsly, and realize that it is a reaction within them that makes them do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to justify reactions because of someones words
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself a stupid bitch
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions overwhelm me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use emotions to hurt myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give anothers emotions power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in emotion to anothers accusations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when another accuses me of something I didn’t do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be outraged when I am judged for something I didn’t do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to deal with my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slam with doors because of feelings angry and upset
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically punish myself for what I feel within me – instead of directing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow emotions based on others reactions to control who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself through calling myself names
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blaming another for what I did to myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for raising his voice and me feelings annoyed because of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed because of anothers angry voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by the tone of anothers voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another does something to spite me , and allowing that believe to control my mind

I will not allow myself to physically harm myself for the emotions I experience within myself, and stop blaming others for what I feel or react to. When someone reacts, it is always about them. So I stop taking it personally and not punish myself through my reactions.
When I hear something dishonest, I speak up and direct myself whats best in that moment. When the person goes into fighting or arguing mode, I speak up but let them calm down and make sure I do not participate in a “fight”. Or react to it with frustration.
When I do, I take a moment to breath and stop myself before I continue.

When another blames me for something I didn’t do – I explain it, and stop reactions – because I can only direct myself and not another
When another blames me,  I do not allow it to move me. And when I does I look at which thoughts triggered my reaction and stop it
I stop blaming my another for what I feel within myself when he reacts
I stop taking anothers reactions personal, because they are not, he reacts because of what is within him

My emotions are not superior to me unless I allow it.

When and as I notice the reactions, I will stop my reactions based on another’s voice tone, because it is not personal. Their tone of voice is their own responsibility and if I allow it to move me, then it can control me through emotions that come up because of it

I wont slam with doors because of feeling upset, asserting my anger on the physical reality or my physical body
When I feel it come up, I breath, stop all thoughts and calm down
I stop hating myself, there is nothing to hate. I am part of life and I realize I have been programmed just like every single one on this planet. Hate is a reaction and a judgement that does not serve me, nor does it serve anyone else. It only destroys and punishes and spites

I stop my believes towards other people, thinking and assuming why they are doing what they are doing and letting that pre occupy my thoughts.
When it is based on a self directive point, to direct a situation, I allow it. But when it is based on emotional reaction, fear, hiding, survival etc… I stop it because it only comes from the reactions, and is not directive for the situation in totality.

I will not harm myself by calling myself names. Because it is my mind that I allow to hurt me through emotions

When someone does or sais  something abusive, I do not allow myself to continuously think about how abusive or unfair it is and in that way creating reactions of sadness and anger within me.

 

Day 11 – The Child Molester

The Child Molester

I remember when I was 8 years old I was at school playing with a girl from my class. There were also toddlers around and we ended up playing with this little girl, maybe she was 3 or something. At one point, the little girl fell down and somehow that made me feel good. Me and the friend kept being around her and tried to make her fall or do something stupid. At one point, we pushed her and felt good about it. I mean a really physical good feeling. I know it sounds pretty disturbing, but this is what I experiences as a little girl of 8 years old. Now I do not experience this anymore, I think it was around that age (8-9) when it was the last time I experienced that, but why on earth did I feel enjoyment hurting a little girl? Am I born as a psychopath? And what about the other girl with me, she seemed to experience the same thing. It immediately places me in the shoes of child molesters, who enjoy hurting children because it makes them feel good, because of urges within them. And urge is an urge, and I had that urge.
Why was I created with that urge in me? How fucked up is that for a child to experience. I didn’t have trauma in my childhood either, I had a very good childhood without abuse.

So this urge, I really cannot connect it rationally to anything of my life personally, all I know is that I experienced it, and that it was thus part of my “design”, my programming.

So this self forgiveness will be as all the people in this world with urges like this, including the pedophiles. The self forgiveness is thus not always about my own experience. As you notice and will notice in other blog posts, the self forgiveness is often stated in the shoes of another person. Because I know, that also murderers and child molesters can stop their programming and direct themselves to stop the abuse within and outside themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like hurting a little girl
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting another child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure about a child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure seeing another little child cry or hurt
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure threatening another child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to hurt a child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel power over another little child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child for my own pleasures
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child so I can satisfy my desires, not realizing that this child is a human being just like me, and that I cannot force my will upon them. And that if I do this, the child will have a damaging experience that it will carry along in its life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my feelings as superior to those of another human being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desires to run freely within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can change myself and stop following my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the child is a human being equal and one to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in thoughts about how I could increase my pleasure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that are harmful towards another human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as sexual objects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as objects that I can use to satisfy my lust
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my past haunt me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself as a prisoner to my past
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for who I have become.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child molestation’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child rape’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child rapist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child molester.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘unontrollable sexual urges’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘sex addict’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘pervert’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘creeper’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as stupid.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as angry
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.

When and as I notice these judgements come up, I stop and breath and do not follow them. I realize I am part of life, programmed as anyone else, and have the opportunity to change and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to hide me from me when wanting to keep something like that I’ve watched pedophile material in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children do not have a fully developed brain to make choices
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children cant make choices such as I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I have become, getting angry at myself and not realizing I can change. I feed my own anger and frustration, and act out in even more anger or frustration towards children for example, because I think it is too late for me anyway.

When and as I notice these feelings or urges come up, I stop and breath and do not follow the thoughts that come up. I direct myself to do what is best for all in that moment, which is not allowing these thoughts to control me, and not allowing myself to act on them, not threatening a child in any way.

When and as I notice self judgement and self hatred come up, I stop and breath and let it go. I stop judging and hating myself and realize that I can change. Even when I still feel those urges. I will myself to step by step stop them, and find out the pattern behind them. I am not a slave to them and I can correct myself and be who I choose myself to be, instead of being how I am programmed to be.

I stand for a world best for all, that means to do unto others what I want done unto myself, and not harming another or using them against their will for my own pleasure. I would not want anyone to do something to me that I don’t want to be done unto me either.

 

Day 10 – Fear and Judgment about “Adulthood”

This is something that I have written to stop my reactions towards being an “adult”, leaving school in the future, being part of “the system” etc… Because I have felt rejective towards this because of what I saw people become as soon as they are getting older. I was holding on to a lot of stereotypes, and judgments, and idealization of childhood. As I work with this pattern, I learn to stop this and direct myself. The corrections you will be able to read further down.

When I think about having a job or career I feel a form of dislike, I dont like the adult World , I don’t like the system  , I don’t like what we have created on this planet . I would rather nothave to enter that world ever. I resisted it in my life, this is where partly my dislike of growing up comes from. Hating to be an adult or be seen as an adult, not wanting to play their twisted stupid little games. It makes me a little bit angry as well. Its like your life is over, over so early. You begin to live as a child and then your trained to be the perfect system slave. Also I often saw myself as not competent enough to succeed in anything because of various reasons like; my memory isn’t good enough, I’m to afraid, too shy, I won’t be able to say anything smart etc… I often fell into a thought pattern of wanting to do an easy low job to feel comfortable as well. I never had an idea about what I would do as a job, as if that time would never come. I never had a dream or goal for it, like my life just didn’t reach to that point, as if I would be dead before it would all begin. Hoping that something would happen so the system by then would have changed already and heaven would be on earth, that’s what I often thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for being the way it is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  think all adults are obsessed with sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume all adults are obsessed with money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  generalize what “adults” are
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a stereotype on “adults”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults as dull based on a couple of them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generalize that all adults are dull
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults for not playing anymore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of adults judgments when they see I am still playful
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place because I sometimes act “childish”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place based on what I think others are thinking about me – where I already expect the negative judgment within me, feeling out of place because of m own judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being the standard “adult”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think a standard “adult” exists
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generalize all adults as existing in only 1 way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generalize that adults do not play
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire adults to play
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how I think other adults will see me and my behavior
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about others peoples judgments about me, because of my insecurity where I base my self confidence on the opinions and reactions of others, using it as a standard for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think as an adult I must show confidence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think as an adult I must show certainty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not confident because of what I feel inside, when in fact I often do have confidence, to speak up, to stop my reactions, to do what is best, to push through my fears – but I continue in a pattern of self judgment, holding myself hostage to my failures, magnifying those failures as if they determin me completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as less than who I can be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about how I project myself to others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming an adult based on the stereotype I hold about it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a stereotype within my head. Not consciously, but following it feeling-wise and fueling it with thoughts, even though I know that my stereotype is not accurate. And sometimes it is accurate, if it is a pattern existing in many adults. But I do not require to judge it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judg a common pattern in adults, and base my feelings upon that judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my feelings to decide my direction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults or the “adult world” as something bad/negative
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the adult world based on the system we created; expecting that it will always be like that
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to enter the adult world based on my judgements
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the system determin how I feel
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea I have about the system determinwhat I will do or wont do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea I have about the system control me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions decide who I am or shouldn’t be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare adults to children
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect I will make a bad impression on people I haven’t met before
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on anothers opinion about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what others will think about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to leave a good impression
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous about being disliked
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being afraid of my own thoughts about others having bad thoughts about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults as having lost their freedom
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of new places
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of things I don’t know
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a safe environment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe in a place that I am used to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow these feelings to control me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow these thoughts to get me into a negative and fearfull mood
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the system power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the system power by thinking about it and becoming overwhelmed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get overwhelmed with thoughts
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the system to crush me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about “being crushed” as being rejected or humiliated
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of others rejection
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel crushed when others reject me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow another thought and opinion to determin who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in comparison to business men
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect I have to become like those business men
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to people in the system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to people who are confident
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what others will think about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect ill never be fully confident
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume others don’t find me confident
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect ill be afraid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect ill be shy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through my own expectations of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect I wont stand a chance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect “making a chance” to being able to reason business people out of their selfish role
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to convince them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume everything depends on them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think they will always have the last say in things
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe they are the majority, but actually they are not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire “being free” as in – being a kid playing in the fields
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link freedom to playing in the field as a kid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link freedom to being a kid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as a kid I was already unfree
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as a kid I was already programmed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link freedom to not having responsebilities

Self correction

I realize it is ok to have fun, build camps, play, even as an adult. When other adults make judgments about that, it is their problem.
When and as I see myself reacting towards others judgement – I stop, I breath – I let go of the reactions and direct myself to what is best for all in that situation. Sometimes, it may require to act more like “serious” adults, in order to bring about what is best for all and work the system. It will depend on the situation and I trust my own judgment in those circumstances to do what is best at that time and moment. And when I make a mistake, I correct it or ask for assistance.
When and as I see these thoughts come up, I stop and breath. I let the thoughts go and in no way try to reason with them because it only goes in circles and often compounds the emotions of anxiety. I am the self-directive principle of myself.
I realize Business men are not better, they are not superior, they are not the majority that will always control everything. They are like everyone else, programmed in their own way.
When and as I see myself having judgments about being an adult – I stop, I breathe. I stop judging myself as adult or not. It doesn’t mean I have to become like the people I see as a prototype of “adult”. I direct myself no matter what body. I stop judging the physical based on its age.
Within this I realize that I am the directive force and will not be directed by and energy such as annoyance.
when and as I see myself putting standards on myself I stop I breathe and stop putting all kinds of standards on myself on how I should be and according to that feel bad or good. I direct myself without comparing myself and placing expectations and thoughts within the future.
I can direct myself in every moment, to let go of my limitations and “strengthen” myself, without having to have all these crazy thoughts.
When and as I see myself think about the thoughts others have about me, I let go of the thoughts about others thoughts. I don’t follow them. It Is not important what another thinks about me and I don’t want to limit myself according to others expectations. This already has improved a lot. And I continue to do this and apply myself.

When and as I see myself putting standards on others, I stop and breathe, and do not allow myself to judge others. I do not allow assumptions towards others within me. I stop judging people as confident based on persona’s.

When and as I notice myself judging people based on their age, I stop and breath and let go of the judgements. I direct myself in self honesty in the moment.

When and as I notice I place standards on people, I breath and stop, and stop these standards, even when I think they are a better form of standard. I simply assess the situation in its entirety, and do whats best for all in that moment, as what I realize. If I notice that something was not best for all, afterwards, I correct myself.
I do realize the adult world currently is pretty screwed up, so is the children’s world and everyone’s world because we have 1 world we all create together. And I direct myself to sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults as not having a life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge business people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge business
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all business people are the same
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see business people as inferior to people who care
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think business people don’t care
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on the way they are programmed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am programmed in my own ways
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being programmed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others to repel me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be repelled
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to let my negative feelings direct me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe your life is over when you’re an adults
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going into a business
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will have to deal with business people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being discarded
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being an old person and being discarded because of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as inferior
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated with business people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge business people as superior to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge business people as superior to me based on their confidence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to seeing certain business procedures
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reacting angry because I dislike business manipulation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my feelings to control me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people as people that have their life drained from them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think old people are all the same
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stereotype old people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my culture to influence my judgement
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect “youth” to something good
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect “youth” to a oyoung appearance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge youth as better than old
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a young appearance betternthan an old appearance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect “having a life” to age
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think your life is over when you’re an adult
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike getting old
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people as less
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people as less because society treats them as less
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being treated as less
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on how others see me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others judgements about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that society has programmed an attitude within me that old = bad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the judgement of society and culture about old age
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the media to control my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to conform to the medias image
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that age is different from culture to culture, and is shaped in my mind through my own culture
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be young forever
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of loosing youth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as the younger the better
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge wrinkles
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge appearance of older people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to look like an older person
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the beauty industry to control my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the commercials to control my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place judgements on my physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place judgements on others physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the programs in my mind to direct me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think old people are waiting for their death
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the age I am

Self correction

When and as I see myself going into thoughts and judgements about age – I stop, I breath, I realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I do not participate.

I realize this is programmed within me through my culture in the media. That old = bad and you have to fight it, and reject it as long as possible. And that young = good. Because in some cultures old people are considered as very wise and kind of worshipped. In our society they are often discarded to retirement homes or seen as inferior to the younger ones. I realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.

Business people are people like me, and anyone else, programmed in their own way. They vary, and have different personalities and are not all the same. They don’t all mock people, or all are cruel. This is a stereotype I do not want to support. When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of Self, of stereotyping others, I stop and breath.

When and as  I see myself having judgments about my human body, I stop, I breath. I do not participate in  judging my human body and that of others,and the aging process. . It is only “bad” because we make it that way, and judge it extremely. I do not want to live like that and be a person that blindly accepts it. Thus I direct myself to not let these judgments direct what I think or speak or do.

I don’t allow myself to be a puppet of this brainwashing, and to judge myself according to the current view on age. I stop allowing myself to internalize those judgments and then start judging myself when and as I notice this coming up.

Together with that make sure that we can establish a world that does not create these thought patterns of better/worse, inferior/superior in society and the minds of everyone for the sake of profit.
I want to take responsibility for our creation and not blame and judge it. So when and as I notice the blame and judgement, I stop and breath, and direct myself to do what is best for all and in that situation.

When and as I see myself having judgements aboçut the way people look, I stop and I breath. Not judging people on the way they look when and as this comes up, wether they are young or old. Generalizations are inaccurate and harmful towards what is best for all, thus I simply stop participating in them. I realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.

 

Day 6 – Fear of saying No

Someone called from the consumer service or something asking if he could ask me a questionary about services and goods. I didn’t really have a chance to think about the decision, so i ended up saying: “no I rather not”. But then I regretted it because I could have given my opinion which may be entirely different than standard population which may have some impact on something. So then I got nervous…
Had I made a mistake? Shit shit.

I have often had no problems saying “no” to people, but now I did have a problem with it because it felt like I missed an opportunity, said something without properly thinking it over and realizing I could have brought in a different perspective.

This brings me to the point of saying “no”, and how hard it is for a lot of people. That is why I will write self forgiveness about this point in it’s entirety, as it applies to other’s and not just my own situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous when declining and invitation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret something that I cant undo
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about a decision that I had no time to think about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I missed something, or could have contributed to something, and feel bad about my decision based on those thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have declined an opportunity because I didn’t see in the moment that I might have been able to bring in a different perspective.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a bad person because I declined someones invitation to answer a questionary
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about making something that I perceive as a mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to decide in a hurry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to decide in a hurry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time to think about the decision

When someone requests something to me and I go into a “rush” inside of me, I stop and breath and think about what is happening. I take the time to make the situation clear to myself, and if my participation would be something that could contribute, or would be cool to do in that moment.
I do not allow myself to feel anxious or bad about a decision, but take the opportunity to correct myself to make sure that in the future I do not make the same mistake over and over again.
I also do not allow myself to go into extremes, such as always saying yes, or always saying no. I simply assess the situation as how it presents itself, what is asked, and see if it is best or good to participate in it or not. So I do not base my decision on a fear of saying no or a fear of being bad when saying no. I base it on common sense, and on what is best for all.

When and as I notice this pattern re-occuring, I stop and breath, and take the time to write it out for myself in its entirity, to flagpoint all points that trigger these experiences within me. And dedicate myself to not allow myself to continuously go into that same pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying no to people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dissapointing people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying no when people ask me something, ask me a favor
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying no to people who ask me something, where I do not consider myself within the equation but only my fear of saying no
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for making me say “yes”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for placing me in an uncomfortable situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please people by saying yes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be agreeable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first be agreeable, and when I get more comfortable to say “no” and thus be entirely different then first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fluctuate according to my fears
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my fear to control my actions

I commit myself to stand stable, and take the decision that is best for all, or which I can see is best in that current situation, without blindly following my emotions, my fear. I direct myself to make a decision in self honesty.

I will not allow myself to fluctuate my opinion and stance according to having fear or not, presenting a fake persona to people in order for them to like me and approve of me.

I commit myself to stop basing my own self worth on the way others see me, which makes me take decisions that might not be best, just because I fear saying no to them.

When and as I notice I have fear comming up, I stop and breath, move through the fear and take the decision best in that moment, using my common sense and insight in the situation. If I make a mistake, I correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where beings are afraid of each other
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where we reject each other and place our own self intrest over that of another. Where we desire others to please us and fulfill our wishes and desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where we treat others as objects of satisfaction, and desire them to comply by our own standards and rules, even though those standards and rules are not best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where we do not consider each other, stand equal to each other, and do what is best for all

I commit myself to stand for a world which is best for all, a world without fear because when we stand as equals, no fear is necessary. I commit myself to stop this abusive system that creates judgements within people. To stop this world of superficial judgement and self indulgence through ego. This system does not do what is best for all,and teaches our children that it is ok to fear, to judge, to be jealous, to use others, to judge ourselves, to place profit above life, to treat other living beings as inferior etc…

 

Day 5 – Moments of silence with strangers

Sometimes when we are around people we do not know, especially when we are together with them in a meeting, or a group, talking etc… (engaging with each other), we start to feel uncomfortable when there are silences. We do not experience this around people we are fully comfortable with, people we know. We experience it around people we do not feel totally comfortable with, people who are just acquaintances or strangers.

The annoying feelings comes up that we have to fill in the silences. We start to judge ourselves, and imagine about what the other(s) may be thinking about this situation or us.

I have experienced this many times during my life – where I am together with another person, and suddenly there is nothing more to be said. I don’t know how to behave, and desperately try to find a subject to talk about. Like it is not ok to just be silent, like I have to find something, to remove the uncomfortability from within myself. I imagine about what the other person is thinking about me. Do they think I am shy? Insecure? Do they dislike me? Are they thinking that I am not an easy person to be around? Are they thinking that this situation is not cool? etc…
But when I am around family for example, and it is silent, my mind is silent. I don’t get those thoughts. Why? Because we know each other very well, and everything has become “normal”.

So within this situation is a lot of self-judgment as well as imaginative thoughts about judgments that might come from the other person(s). It is social anxiety that plays up. Most likely when you experience this, the social anxiety will also pop up in other areas of your life.

People who keep on talking, can often show this insecurity within themselves, because they desperately try to mask it and have a constant flow of communication to feel at ease.

I have actually googled this experience, and found out a lot of people suffer from this. Also when I have spoken about it to others, I often heard “Me too!!”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable around strangers and people I do not know very well – because of the thoughts going on within me mind about what they may think about me, especially if they may think “negative” things about me such as that I am shy, boring etc…

When and as I notice this uncomfortability, I breath and let go of the thoughts that spark up in my mind, and express myself in the moment. Not holding back when I want to say something, and not just speaking because I feel uncomfortable. Because else I would simply be speaking to stop the emotions within me, which will be a pattern I would carry on for the rest of my life, because I would never deal with what is behind the uncomfortability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and imagine what other people are thinking about me, and base my self-experience on that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume what others might be thinking about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always think people are thinking bad about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and have people thinking positive about me by changing my behavior and words
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to be entertaining
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to be intresting to others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself a sinsecure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect I will be insecure around strangers
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about how I will react in insecurity, where I already create the situation I fear within my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act because of fear and reactions of insecurty, instead of directing myself as whats best in the moment, in self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to say something when there is a silence during a conversation, because I start to imagine what the other person might think about me, and I want to avoid the negative judgements at all times.

When I notice these thoughts come up, I stop and breath, and let them go. I stop trying to seek others approval of me, or try and get others to see me in a positive way. I stop trying to imagine what bad things others could think about me, and take self-responsebility for the insecurty within me that sparks up those thoughts in the first place.
Others do not define me, and as long as we depend on the judgements of others to experience ourselves in a particular way, we are like a tossing ball, unstable, and fluctuating according to with who we are with or what they think about us. Which is not best for self nor best for all. I will not adjust myself to have people like me, because this is dishonest, a constant seek for validation, a result of insecurity. And if I accept this pattern, I would give it power and carry it along into my further life, manifesting it even more within my experience, and always needing others for validation.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally express myself in self-honesty, no matter with who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can’t fill in silences because it is not good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposit of an extreme, thinking that it is the way to “cure” it.

When and as I notice this, I breath and direct myself in that moment, stopping the thoughts and expressing myself. When I make a so called “mistake”, by reacting, I learn from it and use it as an opportunity to correct myself.
When and as I notice that I feel uncomfortable being silent together with another person, I stop and breath. I am here, and do not require to follow the thoughts springing up inside me, or allow the emotion to take power over my self-direction.

 

Day 4 – Fear of Rejection and Group Pressure

I have experienced group pressure several times in my life, where I fear expressing myself/saying something/doing something, because I would imagine the rejection from others. These thoughts were based on past memories where others had rejected me, which I then carried along within my mind. Even when I would have MORE experiences of NOT being rejected, those few experience of being rejected would dominate my perception. Because it is more “drastic” within our experience/mind. It has bigger consequences than if everything would just run smoothly. So that is why things which have a big impact on us, “stick” the most.

This patterns comes up when I fear being rejected by a group that I value, then group pressure is felt. It did not come up for example, when friends asked me to smoke or to drink and I say no. I do not experience it as pressure and do not fear thei rejection because it are decisions I stand firmly with, with reasons. And also because often denying their requests to smoke and drink along, does not result in being rejected. But when I stand for something and I am certain within myself, I do not let worries or fears of others control me, and I “stand my ground”.
Other times when the fear of rejection comes up, is when others say something that I see is not true. For example they say something about me, and I do not see it, and I try to see it but I can’t find it. And then I feel as if I should say I see it, simply to not be rejected. However, I do not do that, but I admit that I have this urge within me. So at some times I ignored them, because I knew, no matter what I would say, they wouldn’t hear it anyway. And some times I spoke up, and got rejected. And other times I spoke up, and nothing happened and we simply communicated about it, but there was no rejection involved.
But the most annoying thing is that nagging feeling in my chest when such a situation comes up, and I fear to be “dissobedient”, because I don’t agree. And those are situations that I have to be careful about, to not limit myself because of others or multiple others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up when I disagree with certain others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be “disobedient”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by a group or people that I value
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others rejecting me and they not seeing that their judgement was wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others opinions about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own thoughts about what others may reply to me, or how they could reject me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how and if certain people would reject me if I say this or that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine situations of rejection
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself because of the fear of rejection
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a situation where a group of people has a wrong assumption about me, and keeps holding on to it and there is nothing I can do about it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a powerless situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with people who jump to conclusions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to conclusions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes put others in a position where I do not listen to what they are saying
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn because I feel annoyed.

When and as I notice the fear of rejection comming up, I stop and breath and speak up. I do not allow thoughts of rejection to control me. if something is unclear, I will ask. If I do not understand something, I say so. And if others reject me for it, it is their problem.

When a situation comes up where I feel “powerless”, I stop focussing on the others, and focus on myself. I will do what I can in that situation, speak about what I experience with the others, to see if we can both learn from it.

I do not allow myself to jump to conclusions about other people, or carry my past with me into my future. Because in that way, I keep reacting to the same patterns of the past, without ever letting them go. I can stop and breath, and direct myself.

When and as I notice reactions come up towards others, I stop and breath, because I do not want to react towards others, it is not a stable form of communication, and its simply living out ones own reactions, acting them out towards others  – which is not best for all.

This reminds me of situations sometimes in my everyday life, where I get frustrated or annoyed with someone, and I have resistance to saying something to them, or agreeing with them, or simply saying “yes” to them, because of an argument we had moments before and because of the emotions within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions control me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn towards another because of emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions stop me from communicating properly with another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions stop me from being open towards another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions determin my relationship with another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistance towards people when I feel annoyed or frustrated
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when I see another being frustrated
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when I see another being annoyed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another persons experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I react towards anothers experience, in this case, I am reacting to something that I have within myself and see reflected in the other.

When and as I ntoice myself becomming frustrated or annoyed, I stop and breath. I do not allow myself to react in emotions towards another. I will instead, direct my words, and not let my emotions direct my words. Because when emotions direct words, they can’t be trusted. When emotions are in charge, situations are in charge, and then I am not in charge of my own words.

When and as I notice stubborness come up, I stop and breath, and make sure that I do not react in stubborness towards another.