One of the chickens has been ill since a couple weeks, and I tried to take care of her as best as possible. I tried to make her eat by cooking and buying a lot of different foods (to no avail) and then took her to the vet several times, and now she has to have injections every day. I also had to give her oral medicine which was quite hard to do. And because I can’t explain to her what I am doing, she gets stressed when it happens. And so do I. I noticed that I got frustrated within myself when she yet again did not want to eat something that I made her. It was not because of the fact that I made it, but the fact that she didn’t want to eat and was getting thinner and thinner which reduces her chance of survival. She only weighs 1.88 kg right now. So I got kind of upset with her being this way, which I first denied. I kind of brushed it off, told myself to toughen up, reasoning with myself to try and stop the emotions. But even when I didn’t think about it, I got problems sleeping and after a couple of days the stress was there non-stop.I then thought ok.. maybe I should do some exercise to release it. Nope, didn’t help either. I felt like crying the whole time but I didn’t want to cry because I let reason be my guide.
Then my mom noticed something was up, because I hadn’t talked about this to anyone. She asked in a concerned way: is something wrong? And as I said: I am full of stress, I began to cry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. But strangely, after that I immediatly felt better. Probably because crying releases all kinds of chemicals and shit in your body. My mom told me that I will have to get stronger, because I am very sensitive to such situations, seeing animals suffer. It is true, but at this point it is not something that I can just stop. Because I really shouldn’t stress myself about it, and simply do what I can for the animal.
Also she noted that by having the chickens, I also contribute to more insects being killed, which is true.
A few days before, in the midst of it all, I also got sick during the bad sleeping time. One day I woke up feeling strange in my stomach. That day I had to go to school but was tired the whole time, and in the evening I developed fever. Next day… it was gone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can reason my emotions and stress away, and when it was not working, that it keps accumulating within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let reason tell me that I shouldnt cry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to cry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am weak for being so sensitive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be “strong” and feelingless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be blank when seeing an animal struggle
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bottle up my emotions and ignoring them, thinking that it will go away like that, not realizing how it is actually accumulating within me, which leads to an overflow after a certain period of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about animal suffering that I contribute to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for having chickens and contributing to insects death
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for choosing chickens over insects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself when I fed worms to the chickens
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person who doesnt care when I fed worms to the chickens
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my emotions, which made me physically full of stress and even sick
When and as I notice a build up of stress within me, I breath and I allow myself to cry if I feel the crying come up. I do not judge myself and I talk about it to someone or write about it to release the experience from within me.
I stop the judgements towards myself for being a human that lives in an environment where we have to kill to eat. I also will not feed worms to the chickens because actually they have enough other food to live on. The insects they catch themselves, is ofcourse their own survival instinct, necessary for their body to function properly.
when and as I notice I get stressed because of an ill animal, I stop myself from constant worrying, and I direct myself to simply do what I can for the animal.
And also I only have this when I am faced with the suffering. I think our society is a buffer for caring, because often when suffering is not around us, we don’t care. Like starvation, I mean we hear about it, but how much do we ACTUALLY care? How much do we work on stopping this? We require to stand together to create a system that does not exploit life, does not create abusers, and does what is best for all.
When I have suffering around me, I feel bad, and I want to stop it. When I dont have suffering around me, I dont feel bad, but I still want to stop it. So this is where we should go = to realize and face the suffering in this world, and decide that we will do what we can to stop it (inside and outside). So that you do not require emotions to care. Because it doesn’t mean that I feel strong emotions about an animal near me, that I care less about an animal in africa for example.
So, let’s stand and work together, to do what is best for all, not depending on how close we are to something, or how we feel, but on one principle: what is best for all, Equality as our essence.