Day 46 – Let’s Help All People Who Suffer From Hurricane Sandy

No doubt, hurricane Sandy is devastating for a lot of people, animals and plants in affected areas. It has flooded many streets, killed people and animals and destroyed nature and property. The force of nature is something we cannot fight, but only run from and be prepared.

As the storm was approaching New York and the East Coast, news articles and videos were starting to boom. There was suddenly an explosion of information about this storm, accompanied by many pictures and video’s. I didn’t even knew it had already hit Haiti until an article mentioned it. Few stories covered how more than 50 people in Haiti died already because of the storm, and it’s devastating affects on their lives.

Officials raised the storm-related death toll across the Caribbean to 65, with 51 of those coming in Haiti, which was pelted by three days of constant rains that ended only on Friday. As the rains stopped and rivers began to recede, authorities were getting a fuller idea of how much damage Sandy brought on Haiti. Bridges collapsed. Banana crops were ruined. Homes were underwater. Officials said the death toll might still rise. “This is a disaster of major proportions,” Prime Minister Laurent Lamothe told The Associated Press, adding with a touch of hyperbole, “The whole south is under water. (HuffPo http://huff.to/Q0l5bH)

The damage to the life-sustaining crops for an already starving population is something very very serious. So why hasn’t this been covered as much? My friend Anna Brix Thomson mentioned that this is probably because Haiti is poor and has been struck by such catastrophes before. Hence, news is about impulsing fear and excitement, not actually about sharing what is happening in the world. Because if it was, they would report more global issues, how they are created, how we could solve them etc… Even some people who usually do not post much about the happenings in this world, start posting pictures and news articles on Facebook about Hurricane Sandy.

For sure this storm is bad, but so is starvation of millions on a daily basis, something man made that actually does not have to occur. So is for example abusing animals to eat foie gras, so is sweatshop work that has people wanting to commit suicide … I can give many examples. But it is not as exciting as this storm. It is like oil spills happening every day in Nigeria, yet no one knows about it, but everyone knew about the gulf of Mexico oil spill by BP. As the article states: “it is no longer news”. It is only, as long as it is exciting.

And that is quite disturbing.

Help us reach out to the world, help us create a necessary change for the better of all mankind (including animals and our environment). Http://www.equalmoney.org

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself only to care when an event in this world is covered heavily by the media – where I will post about it and write about it, and care about it more than I do about the every day continuous suffering within this world. Where millions of people and animals live in situations of suffering and abuse, often totally preventable, if we would change our economic system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am to small to change anything, and that I can’t change the economic system because I am just one person – within this I do not realize that I in fact am part of the groups “humans” who accept this system the way it is and who without this, the system would not even exist. So I am in fact contributing each day to this system, I am one of the many parts which makes it able to function the way it does. So if all parts, or at leas a majority, would activly stand for a change, then we could actually create a change. Starting with ourselves and realizing my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care less about poor people who suffer from natural disasters, than when richer or middle class people suffer from it. Not realizing that I have become blind and deaf for the struggling because it makes me feel better about my own life, because it feels better to ignore it, because it feels better to think it can’t be another way, because I am controlled by the media, because I am programmed to think they are less important. Even when I say that I find them equally as important, my actions and my intrests show me  in fact that this is not true. Because if I would truly care as much, I would live my life in order to stop this world system that creates abuse over and over again, and I would care as much from people suffering in another part of the world, than about suffering of those in my neighborhood. And I would not let my feelings decide who to care about, but I decide as myself that all beings are equal in worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from other beings, and in that way not realizing that in their place I would want to be helped and cared about. If I was a sweatshop worker, starving, abused… I would not want the world to turn its back on me or to stigmatize me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself a media that ignores people suffering from hurricane sandy in hait, yet spamming messages and videos in large amounts when it is about New York.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself a system where the poor and struggling are ignored and stereotyped, not helped, and often even further exploited

 

Day 18 – They are Going to Think I’m a Freak!

Sometimes people add me on facebook that I know in person as well, for example from school or from my hobbies. Whenever that happens, I have this sort of “scare” within me assuming they will look at my profile and think I am a total freak. It’s not like this fear stops me, because I am open about what I stand for, what I do etc… yet this fear does keep popping up. However, much less than it used to. I used to be much more concerned about “being different”, being seen as strange etc… It is funny that a girl in my class said: “we get along but we are all very different, this person is this, and that one is like this, and you are more “alternative”. Lol. I never really looked at myself as “alternative”. Because when I think about it, I imagine someone dressing like a hippie 😛

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that people who add me on facebook will think I am a freak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe people who add me on facebook will think I am a freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as “inferior” because I do post things on facebook that most of my every day contacts dont post. And then I compare myself to that, realize my facebook behavior is totally different, and then fear they will judge this as “freakish” or “crazy”, and will judge me for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let others judgements influence the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions and judgements about others based on what I imagine they will think, see or do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked, because I then feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self worth and feelings on how others react to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my own emotions on how others judge me

When and as I notice the fear coming up, I stop and breath and realize that it does not matter what another thinks about me. If they judge me than that is their judgement. I do not allow to judge others about what they might think about me. I stop the expectations and simply move myself to do what is best for all.

When and as I notice them reacting negativly towards what I do on facebook, I do not allow this to impact me, I let go of the emotions when and if they come up, and if necessary I simply remove the person from my facebook if he/she cannot handle what I share, which are the things that are necessary to be shared: the state of our world, the way we as humans exist, what we do to each other and ourselves etc…. Leaving on a blindfold will help no one, and it only accumulates the suffering we allow as a collective on this planet.

I stand for world equality, and everyone can know this. I wont let my fear stop me.

 

Day 16 – Did you Hurt me, or did I Hurt Myself?

I remember being accused of something I didn’t do. I don’t even remember what it was but anger welled up inside me and I yelled something and ran to my room and I was crying hard and scratched my arm super hard with my nails until it was bleeding,  because I didn’t knew how to deal with the emotions. It felt very strong, a sense of self hatred even. Merely by the fact that another person had reacted towards me, and judged me and accused me.
And then I looked at my arm and I felt so bad for what I did to myself. I was thinking: I dont deserve to hurt myself like that, why the fuck did I do that to myself. I felt guilty for having mutilated my body like that. And I then hide it so that no one would ever see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another for judging me wrongly, and justifying my reactions because of what another said – and as a result physically hurting myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically hurt my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because of what I experience within myself when another shows anger towards me and accuses me of something I didnt do, allowing this energy to posses me to a point where I inflict physical harm unto myself.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realize that anothers reactions are their own responsibility, and that mine are mine. And that I should not take it personally if someone accuses me falsly, and realize that it is a reaction within them that makes them do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to justify reactions because of someones words
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself a stupid bitch
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions overwhelm me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use emotions to hurt myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give anothers emotions power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in emotion to anothers accusations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when another accuses me of something I didn’t do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be outraged when I am judged for something I didn’t do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to deal with my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slam with doors because of feelings angry and upset
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically punish myself for what I feel within me – instead of directing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow emotions based on others reactions to control who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself through calling myself names
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blaming another for what I did to myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for raising his voice and me feelings annoyed because of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed because of anothers angry voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by the tone of anothers voice
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another does something to spite me , and allowing that believe to control my mind

I will not allow myself to physically harm myself for the emotions I experience within myself, and stop blaming others for what I feel or react to. When someone reacts, it is always about them. So I stop taking it personally and not punish myself through my reactions.
When I hear something dishonest, I speak up and direct myself whats best in that moment. When the person goes into fighting or arguing mode, I speak up but let them calm down and make sure I do not participate in a “fight”. Or react to it with frustration.
When I do, I take a moment to breath and stop myself before I continue.

When another blames me for something I didn’t do – I explain it, and stop reactions – because I can only direct myself and not another
When another blames me,  I do not allow it to move me. And when I does I look at which thoughts triggered my reaction and stop it
I stop blaming my another for what I feel within myself when he reacts
I stop taking anothers reactions personal, because they are not, he reacts because of what is within him

My emotions are not superior to me unless I allow it.

When and as I notice the reactions, I will stop my reactions based on another’s voice tone, because it is not personal. Their tone of voice is their own responsibility and if I allow it to move me, then it can control me through emotions that come up because of it

I wont slam with doors because of feeling upset, asserting my anger on the physical reality or my physical body
When I feel it come up, I breath, stop all thoughts and calm down
I stop hating myself, there is nothing to hate. I am part of life and I realize I have been programmed just like every single one on this planet. Hate is a reaction and a judgement that does not serve me, nor does it serve anyone else. It only destroys and punishes and spites

I stop my believes towards other people, thinking and assuming why they are doing what they are doing and letting that pre occupy my thoughts.
When it is based on a self directive point, to direct a situation, I allow it. But when it is based on emotional reaction, fear, hiding, survival etc… I stop it because it only comes from the reactions, and is not directive for the situation in totality.

I will not harm myself by calling myself names. Because it is my mind that I allow to hurt me through emotions

When someone does or sais  something abusive, I do not allow myself to continuously think about how abusive or unfair it is and in that way creating reactions of sadness and anger within me.

 

Day 13 – Being Drunk

I haven’t drank any alcohol in about 9 years now, because I am against the effects it has on the human body and mind. Alcohol has many fucked up consequences in this world, more than it has good consequences. Growing up, I had my fair share of experiences with drunken adults. So I became disgusted by this behavior. The things I saw, no child should have to see. Not only was it the things I saw, but sometimes it was very dangerous, for example when I had to be in the car with a drunken person who swung across the road left to right.

I have been drunk twice in my life, why? To try and “have fun”. I noticed however, that it just made me feel sick, and giggly. I started to spin around in my head and it was harder to speak and walk. I really didn’t like that. I noticed however, that I still tended to be shy, which I didn’t expect I would be because alcohol is supposed to make you “loose”.

So this will be the self forgiveness and correction for drunk people in general, not just my own experience as you will read. You will notice that I mention “drugs” instead of “alcohol” sometimes, because alcohol is a drug and not such a harmless drug…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs because I think I require this to have fun
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link “having fun” to using drugs that alters chemicals in my brains which gives me an experience of being more confident and/or crazy, daring etc… thinking that this is a good thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself by consuming alcohol, using the excuses that alcohol will relax me, loosen my tongue, and I only have one drink – full aware that one drink leads to two, two drinks begin intoxication and separation from actual living – I realize that alcohol subdues my common sense and is a form of entertainment and distraction designed to keep humans preoccupied while the fucked-up-ness of the state of the world continues. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself by participating in the consummation of alcohol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in excess in the home knowing my personality changed when I drank and I treated my children cruelly and humiliated them in front of my friends, relatives and each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in the home presenting to my children it is ‘normal’ ‘acceptable’ to drink alcohol even though I knew alcoholism ran rampant within our family ‘tree’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk to my children about the dangers of alcohol consumption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself excuses about my behavior when I drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my actions while drinking alcohol, but instead allowing myself to blame alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink alcohol from the starting point of deception and manipulation, drinking it because then I have an excuse to act irresponsible, do something I otherwise wouldn’t do, or be flirtatious, and afterwards use alcohol as the excuse for my behavior, knowing very well that I have used alcohol for this purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame alcohol for my actions and not taking self responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest while drinking alcohol.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot direct myself within self honesty while I drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be changed by alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the abuse of drugs and alcohol by requiring something seperate from me to make my existance bareable
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to drink alcohol so that people around me would not feel bad about drinkin it themselves
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use alcohol to attempt and try and suppress this anger within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to attempt and try and suppress this anger within me with substances such as drugs and medication – instead of me standing up within me as me and directing this anger through self forgiveness to release – to no longer accept and allow this anger within me to consume and overpower me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put my children in danger because I get drunk
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bring others in danger by driving drunk
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a danger to others when I drink alcohol because it makes me agressive
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a danger towards others when I am drunk because it makes me want to assault woman
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be an idiot when being drunk, acting stupid as if I have no braincell left, doing behavior that is dangerous for myself, others or the environment and nature.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and lure others into drinking along with me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to boost my ego through alcohol consumption, which makes me act as if I am superior.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for associating drinking alcohol with meeting and having sex with girls/ladies. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting/desiring to hookup with drunk girls/ladies that show interest in me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using drugs and alcohol as away to stimulate my mind as entertainment to take me away from facing myself and applying myself in self honesty to do what is best for myself and all.

forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink alcohol as an escape from myself and my responsibility for myself, because I have not allowed myself to realize it is impossible to escape from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol because my friends were doing it and I was aware that I was living DISHONESTY and continued to drink
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgments of my friends when I don’t drink along with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol when I am with my friends because since they are doing it I feel like I should do it so we all “loosen up” and can have a “good time” when those ideas only exist in the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consumea lcohol to fit in, instead of realizing that I should stand within self honesty, to do whats best for all, not just as a follower of a group, but use my own common sense to make decisions and not depend them on what others do – because when I do that, I shift and shape myself to have others like me, where I will do things to make myself be liked even when the behavior is not good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol out of fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my fears to big to overcome, so I turn to alcohol

When and as I notice the urge to get drunk because those around me are doing it, I stop and direct myself to not be a follower, but to stand strong within myself and realize that alcohol is not good for me, and that if I require alcohol to be a certain way, that it is not real. And that alcohol creates a lot of friction, sickness, abuse and death within this world that I refuse to support. I realize that when people consume alcohol, their programmed mind gets boosted, where they will magnify the personality they have accepted within them: some will become more violent, some more flirtatious, some will fall asleep or act crazy, some will constantly feel insulted and argue constantly, and some will show their gigantic ego etc… I do not accept and allow a world where human beings do not take self-responsibility for who they are and what they experience within them – but rather hide in drugs.

When and as I notice the peer pressure feeling within me, I stop and realize that if a group rejects me for not consuming drugs together with them, then it is no “loss”. If that is required from me, and otherwise they discard me, then they can do so. It means they so called “friendship” is not real, and simply based on mutual abuse, desiring another person to consume drugs and “loose their mind”.

When and as I notice that I have drank too much, I stop drinking and realize what I am doing and take self responsibility for my behavior. I do not accept and allow my feelings and thoughts to control me, and I will not allow alcohol to “change” me and direct me. And I make sure that I do not let it happen again.

I realize alcohol is a danger in this world, and that we have proven that we cannot use it in a “responsible” way, that does not exist.

-Alcohol consumption by college students is linked to at least 1,400 student deaths and 500,000 unintentional injuries each year

-More than three-quarters of female victims of nonfatal domestic violence reported that their assailant had been drinking or using drugs

-Alcohol does not relieve depression- it makes it worse. Alcohol is a depressant

-One third of suicides are associated with alcohol misuse

-10% of alcohol health care costs are for care of fetal alcohol syndrome

-More than 18 million people who use alcohol need substance abuse treatment

-Health care costs attributed to alcohol abuse in 1995 were nearly twice those of drug abuse-related costs ($23 billion vs. $12 billion).

-alcohol misuse costs Australian community 15.3 billion dollars each year when factors such as crime and violence, treatment costs, loss of productivity and premature death were taken into account

-over 3 000 Australians die each year as a result of harmful drinking -Spending for alcohol ads on T.V. by the alcohol industry grew by 22%, to more than $990 million in 2002.

-Alcohol is often not thought of as a drug, yet it is a hard drug. -One third of homicides are associated with alcohol misuse

-One half of car accidents are associated with alcohol misuse.

-Alcohol and drug abuse are factors in the placement of more than three-quarters of children entering foster care

– Some 40% of violent crime, 78% of assaults and 88% of criminal damage cases are committed whilst the offender is under the influence of alcohol

-Over 1,000 young people under the age of 15 are admitted to hospital each year with alcohol poisoning

-of those involved in acquaintance rape, 75% of men and 55% of women had been drinking or taking drugs prior to the incident.

-Alcohol causes one to be mind-possessed, oblivious to the reality we live in, and having no self-responsibility what so ever.

And the Health risks:

  -Extended alcohol abuse can cause blood conditions including several forms of anemia and blood clotting abnormalities. These conditions could result in susceptibility to bleeding and bruising. Prolonged alcohol use can also impair white blood cell function and thus makes the abuser more likely to become infected. -Half the cancers in the esophagus, larynx and mouth are linked to alcohol. Additionally, intense vomiting from excessive drinking can tear the esophogus. -Excessive and prolonged alcohol consumption can cause contribute to conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease and heart failure. -Osteoporosis and and some forms of arthritis can be advanced by alcohol abuse. Further, alcohol can lead to muscle atrophy, which can cause sharp muscle pain and weakness. -Prolonged heavy drinking can cause kidney failure. -Alcohol can reduce the amount of digestive enzymes secreted by the pancreas, thereby inflaming and leaking digestive enzymes, which subsequently attack the pancreas itself. -Because of alcohol’s affects on the brain and alcohol’s effects on the kidneys, hormonal production is affected.In men, this could mean that the production of sperm and testosterone are affected, and that can lead to impotence and/or infertility.In women, estrogen metabolism in the liver can be decreased, which boost estrogen levels in the body. These changes can contribute to menstrual irregularities and potentially infertility. -Alcohol can damage the cells lining the stomach and intestines, which can block the absorption and breakdown of nutrients in those organs.Also make you age faster.

If alcohol has more negative side effects and higher costs than any other drug, When it gives false feelings of happyness and confidence – but leaves many drained and depressed afterwards, When it is involved with more violence, rape, accidents, child neglect and death…. Does the argument of: “I like to get drunk” still stand? Some use the excuse that “a glass a day is healthy”. But so is healthy eating and not eating sugar and junkfood. But you know as well as I do that those things are an excuse for many drinkers + many people cannot hold to the standard of “1 glass a day”. and if they really care about their health they would do everything to be a healthy as possible. And many of them simply dont.I know some people who say that it is “healthy” to drink a glass of wine a day. But then on the other hand, they get drunk every week, eat junkfood, are overweight, have had numerous of diseases and even blood cloths etc… It doesnt make any sense, the words dont match their reality and what they do.

Humanity at this stage cannot be trusted with alcohol, we have proven this.Some may be able to use it in moderation, but the masses abuse it extensivly.I would say ban until we are responsible. We cant allow ana busive substance that is misused by the majority who prove they cannot take responsibility, hoping that some day they will realise and not be dumbed down and that all corporations and elite etc…will give proper education, not hide things, and create a world of value. We will have to do that, together – so a world of responsible beings can emerge where things dont even have to be forbidden. And why is weed banned in a lot of countries, but alcohol allowed? It is insane, given the above facts. Alcohol does do a good job in keeping the population dumb though… So that may be one of the reasons. Oh, and money ofcourse. And we even support this because we forgot to use our common sense. We even try to pursuade our peers into consuming drugs (which alcohol is). And may even reject them when they decline. We have become our own slave masters. Easy, then no one else has to do the dirty work.

Dare to stand up for yourself! And for life!

 

Day 12 – The Gossiper

The “gossiping” that I refer to in this post, is purposely talking bad about another person. So consciously talking behind someones back simply for the sake of personal entertainment. Gossiping can be spoken out loud, or performed in ones mind.

Gossip is the deliberate act of causing harm upon another while that person is not present or knowing what you are talking about .
When we Gossip – we seek to make ourselves look better by bringing someone else down without supporting them at all. We then act as if we never talked when that person is around. Does this assist or help the person in any way? Does it assist and help you in any way? No. it creates a spiteful world of human beings who rather use “an eye for an eye”, instead of taking self-responsibility, doing what is best for all, and not being moved by emotions of spite because another has done something that one does not like.
If you have a problem with someone, communicate, talk, do not hold on to spite within yourself. Stop your reactions and see how you can deal with this situation in the most constructive way possible.
Within this blog post, I will place the self-forgiveness of the gossiper as described above.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in talking bad about another person behind their badk, because when I do this with another, I feel better about myself and get energy from talking down about another person – comparing myself and using this as a standard to boost my own ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person to boost my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about another person within my mind, so that I can feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto spitefulness regards another person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my gossip because I do not like the other person, or I do not like what they have done to me. And thus I take their actions personaly, and feel as if it is justified to talk shti about them, not realizing that I am not taking responsibility for my own reactions towards this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip about people because then beings would come to me all curious and I could tell them something they did not know yet and they would give me lots of attention.

I forgive myself tat I have accepted and allowed myself to rather talk about other people and make people judge them because I am too scared to share something of me out of fear of other peoples judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’m stabbing myself in my own back while gossiping about another – indicating that I am being self-dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue talk about the gossip even though I clearly know I shouldn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the attention i get while telling a gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do something to get attention and feel good, without really looking at what I am truly supporting by allowing this – and that what I do is not best for all, and comes from a need for approval.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I was actually never really getting attention – only the gossip was.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell gossips just so I’d have something to tell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my own self behind gossips about other because I fear being rejected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell gossips so I would feel accepted and liked by other people.
I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek acceptance outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell gossips so that the being I’m talking about gets “more unaccepted” and me “more accepted”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip so I would be accepted by the group.
I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to gossip with friends instead of sharing interesting experiences of our own selves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip so i would live in the illusion that I now belong in a group, the group fo beings that are listening to me while I tell the gossip.
I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for gossiping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the person(s) I’m gossiping about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell a gossip so we can start a judgement party.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy gossiping and judging other people in group so i would feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk bad about other persons so I would feel good about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip on a steady basis with the same people to make sure we all stay friends, to make sure we stay bound by the stories and gossips we tell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip so i could present myself as beng somewhat “interesting” towards other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell gossips about other people so that other people would come to me and would also tell gossips about other people so we could keep ourselves busy in our minds so that we don’t not have to see, did not have to realise that our friendships were actually dead and empty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gossip with friends so we did not have to see what was here, and what was here was nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a fake personality to the being I gossip about
I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to be totally surprised when I would fidn out people had been gossiping about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to be totally devastated when I’d find out people had been gossiping about me.
I forigve msyelf that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that if I gossip about other people, the people gossip about me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use gossip as a separated designed tool to conform and open people instead of be just here as who I am as the presence as breath of life in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in the moment of being in a gossiping situation. I realize now that even if I listen to gossip I am still a part of it because without a listener there would be no talker.

 

When and as I notice the desire within me to gossip, to feel better about myself or get attention, I stop and breath and do not allow myself to participate in this.

When and as I notice others start to gossip, I do not allow myself to accept this, and I bring in common sense into the converastion, not just accepting those others as gossipers, not laughing or anything that would seem as if I am “fine” with their gossiping. I do not allow myself to accept gossip in a passive way because I am to afraid to stand up, and because I am afraid to be rejected or to be seen as weird or because they then in result may gossip about me. I take responsibility for who I am, and what I speak and do, no matter what the others may say.

When and as I notice I have the desire to talk bad about others behind their back, I take a look at why I experience this, what the connections are – so that I am able to understand the emotions and thoughts that come up within me, so that I can take self-responsibility for them and direct myself to do what is best for all.

 

For discussion visit: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=35&t=239&p=826&hilit=gossip#p826

 

 

Day 11 – The Child Molester

The Child Molester

I remember when I was 8 years old I was at school playing with a girl from my class. There were also toddlers around and we ended up playing with this little girl, maybe she was 3 or something. At one point, the little girl fell down and somehow that made me feel good. Me and the friend kept being around her and tried to make her fall or do something stupid. At one point, we pushed her and felt good about it. I mean a really physical good feeling. I know it sounds pretty disturbing, but this is what I experiences as a little girl of 8 years old. Now I do not experience this anymore, I think it was around that age (8-9) when it was the last time I experienced that, but why on earth did I feel enjoyment hurting a little girl? Am I born as a psychopath? And what about the other girl with me, she seemed to experience the same thing. It immediately places me in the shoes of child molesters, who enjoy hurting children because it makes them feel good, because of urges within them. And urge is an urge, and I had that urge.
Why was I created with that urge in me? How fucked up is that for a child to experience. I didn’t have trauma in my childhood either, I had a very good childhood without abuse.

So this urge, I really cannot connect it rationally to anything of my life personally, all I know is that I experienced it, and that it was thus part of my “design”, my programming.

So this self forgiveness will be as all the people in this world with urges like this, including the pedophiles. The self forgiveness is thus not always about my own experience. As you notice and will notice in other blog posts, the self forgiveness is often stated in the shoes of another person. Because I know, that also murderers and child molesters can stop their programming and direct themselves to stop the abuse within and outside themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like hurting a little girl
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting another child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure about a child hurting itself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure seeing another little child cry or hurt
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pleasure threatening another child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to hurt a child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel power over another little child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child for my own pleasures
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a child so I can satisfy my desires, not realizing that this child is a human being just like me, and that I cannot force my will upon them. And that if I do this, the child will have a damaging experience that it will carry along in its life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my feelings as superior to those of another human being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desires to run freely within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can change myself and stop following my programming as a slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the child is a human being equal and one to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in thoughts about how I could increase my pleasure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that are harmful towards another human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as sexual objects
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see children as objects that I can use to satisfy my lust
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my past haunt me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself as a prisoner to my past
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for who I have become.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child molestation’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as the word ‘child rape’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child rapist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as child molester.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘unontrollable sexual urges’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘sex addict’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘pervert’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as ‘creeper’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as stupid.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as angry
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.

When and as I notice these judgements come up, I stop and breath and do not follow them. I realize I am part of life, programmed as anyone else, and have the opportunity to change and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hide that I’ve gone to the point of searching for child porn and downloading such material to watch it because my abuse system has increased into such an extent that most of grown up porn videos where I could see woman suffering/humiliating wouldn’t arouse me no more.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to hide me from me when wanting to keep something like that I’ve watched pedophile material in secret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children do not have a fully developed brain to make choices
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize children cant make choices such as I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I have become, getting angry at myself and not realizing I can change. I feed my own anger and frustration, and act out in even more anger or frustration towards children for example, because I think it is too late for me anyway.

When and as I notice these feelings or urges come up, I stop and breath and do not follow the thoughts that come up. I direct myself to do what is best for all in that moment, which is not allowing these thoughts to control me, and not allowing myself to act on them, not threatening a child in any way.

When and as I notice self judgement and self hatred come up, I stop and breath and let it go. I stop judging and hating myself and realize that I can change. Even when I still feel those urges. I will myself to step by step stop them, and find out the pattern behind them. I am not a slave to them and I can correct myself and be who I choose myself to be, instead of being how I am programmed to be.

I stand for a world best for all, that means to do unto others what I want done unto myself, and not harming another or using them against their will for my own pleasure. I would not want anyone to do something to me that I don’t want to be done unto me either.

 

Day 10 – Fear and Judgment about “Adulthood”

This is something that I have written to stop my reactions towards being an “adult”, leaving school in the future, being part of “the system” etc… Because I have felt rejective towards this because of what I saw people become as soon as they are getting older. I was holding on to a lot of stereotypes, and judgments, and idealization of childhood. As I work with this pattern, I learn to stop this and direct myself. The corrections you will be able to read further down.

When I think about having a job or career I feel a form of dislike, I dont like the adult World , I don’t like the system  , I don’t like what we have created on this planet . I would rather nothave to enter that world ever. I resisted it in my life, this is where partly my dislike of growing up comes from. Hating to be an adult or be seen as an adult, not wanting to play their twisted stupid little games. It makes me a little bit angry as well. Its like your life is over, over so early. You begin to live as a child and then your trained to be the perfect system slave. Also I often saw myself as not competent enough to succeed in anything because of various reasons like; my memory isn’t good enough, I’m to afraid, too shy, I won’t be able to say anything smart etc… I often fell into a thought pattern of wanting to do an easy low job to feel comfortable as well. I never had an idea about what I would do as a job, as if that time would never come. I never had a dream or goal for it, like my life just didn’t reach to that point, as if I would be dead before it would all begin. Hoping that something would happen so the system by then would have changed already and heaven would be on earth, that’s what I often thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system for being the way it is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  think all adults are obsessed with sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume all adults are obsessed with money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  generalize what “adults” are
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a stereotype on “adults”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults as dull based on a couple of them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generalize that all adults are dull
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults for not playing anymore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of adults judgments when they see I am still playful
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place because I sometimes act “childish”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place based on what I think others are thinking about me – where I already expect the negative judgment within me, feeling out of place because of m own judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being the standard “adult”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think a standard “adult” exists
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generalize all adults as existing in only 1 way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generalize that adults do not play
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire adults to play
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how I think other adults will see me and my behavior
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about others peoples judgments about me, because of my insecurity where I base my self confidence on the opinions and reactions of others, using it as a standard for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think as an adult I must show confidence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think as an adult I must show certainty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not confident because of what I feel inside, when in fact I often do have confidence, to speak up, to stop my reactions, to do what is best, to push through my fears – but I continue in a pattern of self judgment, holding myself hostage to my failures, magnifying those failures as if they determin me completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as less than who I can be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about how I project myself to others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming an adult based on the stereotype I hold about it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a stereotype within my head. Not consciously, but following it feeling-wise and fueling it with thoughts, even though I know that my stereotype is not accurate. And sometimes it is accurate, if it is a pattern existing in many adults. But I do not require to judge it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judg a common pattern in adults, and base my feelings upon that judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my feelings to decide my direction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults or the “adult world” as something bad/negative
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the adult world based on the system we created; expecting that it will always be like that
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to enter the adult world based on my judgements
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the system determin how I feel
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea I have about the system determinwhat I will do or wont do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the idea I have about the system control me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions decide who I am or shouldn’t be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare adults to children
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect I will make a bad impression on people I haven’t met before
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on anothers opinion about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what others will think about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to leave a good impression
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous about being disliked
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being afraid of my own thoughts about others having bad thoughts about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults as having lost their freedom
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of new places
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of things I don’t know
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a safe environment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe in a place that I am used to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow these feelings to control me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow these thoughts to get me into a negative and fearfull mood
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the system power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the system power by thinking about it and becoming overwhelmed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get overwhelmed with thoughts
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the system to crush me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about “being crushed” as being rejected or humiliated
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of others rejection
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel crushed when others reject me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow another thought and opinion to determin who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in comparison to business men
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect I have to become like those business men
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to people in the system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to people who are confident
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what others will think about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect ill never be fully confident
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume others don’t find me confident
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect ill be afraid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect ill be shy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through my own expectations of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect I wont stand a chance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect “making a chance” to being able to reason business people out of their selfish role
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to convince them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume everything depends on them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think they will always have the last say in things
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe they are the majority, but actually they are not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire “being free” as in – being a kid playing in the fields
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link freedom to playing in the field as a kid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link freedom to being a kid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as a kid I was already unfree
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as a kid I was already programmed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link freedom to not having responsebilities

Self correction

I realize it is ok to have fun, build camps, play, even as an adult. When other adults make judgments about that, it is their problem.
When and as I see myself reacting towards others judgement – I stop, I breath – I let go of the reactions and direct myself to what is best for all in that situation. Sometimes, it may require to act more like “serious” adults, in order to bring about what is best for all and work the system. It will depend on the situation and I trust my own judgment in those circumstances to do what is best at that time and moment. And when I make a mistake, I correct it or ask for assistance.
When and as I see these thoughts come up, I stop and breath. I let the thoughts go and in no way try to reason with them because it only goes in circles and often compounds the emotions of anxiety. I am the self-directive principle of myself.
I realize Business men are not better, they are not superior, they are not the majority that will always control everything. They are like everyone else, programmed in their own way.
When and as I see myself having judgments about being an adult – I stop, I breathe. I stop judging myself as adult or not. It doesn’t mean I have to become like the people I see as a prototype of “adult”. I direct myself no matter what body. I stop judging the physical based on its age.
Within this I realize that I am the directive force and will not be directed by and energy such as annoyance.
when and as I see myself putting standards on myself I stop I breathe and stop putting all kinds of standards on myself on how I should be and according to that feel bad or good. I direct myself without comparing myself and placing expectations and thoughts within the future.
I can direct myself in every moment, to let go of my limitations and “strengthen” myself, without having to have all these crazy thoughts.
When and as I see myself think about the thoughts others have about me, I let go of the thoughts about others thoughts. I don’t follow them. It Is not important what another thinks about me and I don’t want to limit myself according to others expectations. This already has improved a lot. And I continue to do this and apply myself.

When and as I see myself putting standards on others, I stop and breathe, and do not allow myself to judge others. I do not allow assumptions towards others within me. I stop judging people as confident based on persona’s.

When and as I notice myself judging people based on their age, I stop and breath and let go of the judgements. I direct myself in self honesty in the moment.

When and as I notice I place standards on people, I breath and stop, and stop these standards, even when I think they are a better form of standard. I simply assess the situation in its entirety, and do whats best for all in that moment, as what I realize. If I notice that something was not best for all, afterwards, I correct myself.
I do realize the adult world currently is pretty screwed up, so is the children’s world and everyone’s world because we have 1 world we all create together. And I direct myself to sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge adults as not having a life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge business people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge business
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all business people are the same
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see business people as inferior to people who care
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think business people don’t care
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on the way they are programmed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am programmed in my own ways
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being programmed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others to repel me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be repelled
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to let my negative feelings direct me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe your life is over when you’re an adults
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going into a business
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will have to deal with business people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being discarded
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being an old person and being discarded because of it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as inferior
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated with business people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge business people as superior to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge business people as superior to me based on their confidence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to seeing certain business procedures
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reacting angry because I dislike business manipulation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my feelings to control me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people as people that have their life drained from them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think old people are all the same
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stereotype old people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my culture to influence my judgement
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect “youth” to something good
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect “youth” to a oyoung appearance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge youth as better than old
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a young appearance betternthan an old appearance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect “having a life” to age
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think your life is over when you’re an adult
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike getting old
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people as less
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people as less because society treats them as less
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being treated as less
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on how others see me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others judgements about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that society has programmed an attitude within me that old = bad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the judgement of society and culture about old age
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the media to control my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to conform to the medias image
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that age is different from culture to culture, and is shaped in my mind through my own culture
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be young forever
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of loosing youth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as the younger the better
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge wrinkles
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge appearance of older people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to look like an older person
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the beauty industry to control my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the commercials to control my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place judgements on my physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place judgements on others physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the programs in my mind to direct me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think old people are waiting for their death
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the age I am

Self correction

When and as I see myself going into thoughts and judgements about age – I stop, I breath, I realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I do not participate.

I realize this is programmed within me through my culture in the media. That old = bad and you have to fight it, and reject it as long as possible. And that young = good. Because in some cultures old people are considered as very wise and kind of worshipped. In our society they are often discarded to retirement homes or seen as inferior to the younger ones. I realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.

Business people are people like me, and anyone else, programmed in their own way. They vary, and have different personalities and are not all the same. They don’t all mock people, or all are cruel. This is a stereotype I do not want to support. When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of Self, of stereotyping others, I stop and breath.

When and as  I see myself having judgments about my human body, I stop, I breath. I do not participate in  judging my human body and that of others,and the aging process. . It is only “bad” because we make it that way, and judge it extremely. I do not want to live like that and be a person that blindly accepts it. Thus I direct myself to not let these judgments direct what I think or speak or do.

I don’t allow myself to be a puppet of this brainwashing, and to judge myself according to the current view on age. I stop allowing myself to internalize those judgments and then start judging myself when and as I notice this coming up.

Together with that make sure that we can establish a world that does not create these thought patterns of better/worse, inferior/superior in society and the minds of everyone for the sake of profit.
I want to take responsibility for our creation and not blame and judge it. So when and as I notice the blame and judgement, I stop and breath, and direct myself to do what is best for all and in that situation.

When and as I see myself having judgements aboçut the way people look, I stop and I breath. Not judging people on the way they look when and as this comes up, wether they are young or old. Generalizations are inaccurate and harmful towards what is best for all, thus I simply stop participating in them. I realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.

 

Day 8 – Everyone is Against Me

Since a very very long time, I have often felt like people think negatively about me, or dislike me.
I remember when I was around 15 years old, I was in Spain with my parents and the whole diving team. And there was one lady, who in previous years always liked me and complimented me. Now, she didn’t really seem to notice me at 1 moment. So I felt bad and thought she disliked me, that she hated me. I felt bad within myself.
The next day, we went to visit the shops in spain and she told me how much she liked me, and even bought me a pair of jeans… I was amazed, because she didn’t dislike me! She didn’t hate me!
And I felt happy again.

So often I had thought that people disliked me, judged me behind my back, ridiculed me. I would think they saw me as the “least capable”, or as weird, as “not fitting in”. So there was this desire for approval, for fitting in, for being accepted. I would imagine all the bad things they could think and say about me – and actually, I was the one constantly judging myself.

This pattern developed through my life experiences, of being judged by those I grew up with, the people in school, even teachers who ridiculed me at times or ignored me as if I was less than the other children (happened in kinder garden, and once in high school). I also heard people gossip about others, being nice to ones face but nasty behind the back. This showed me, how humans can be, so I always had that in the back of my mind. Everyone became a potential threat, because I knew, if they do this about other people, they will surely do this about me to. It is kind of conflicting because at one point, I am open when someone asks me about my life, I can tell anything and everything.. but at the other side, I do not trust them. So it is more that I have learned to speak, even when I imagine it being used against me, being ridiculed etc… And at other times I don’t speak. So it is not a stable point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to please others to get their acceptance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to please others so that they will like me and not gossip nasty behind my back
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of others because they could potentially say bad things about me and stab me in the back
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and stigmatize all people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my own self worth on the way others respond to me or think about me – where I feel uncomfortable around them because I am juding myself, and thinking they will judge me in the same way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to give me an idea about what others could judge about me , expecting that this is also the judgments they will hold about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the approval of others to feel good about myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when others think bad about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because I think others dislike me, or hate me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if others hold such judgments, it is their responsibility, and their programming, that makes them judge others in that way. I take responsibility for myself, and my own self-judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give past experiences power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be programmed through past experiences based on others behavior, thinking that the way others judge me is of value and should determine the way I feel about myself, or the way I judge myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always expect the worst case scenario
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when someone likes me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my own worth on someone else liking me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people within my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold judgments about others within my mind, already thinking they are people who gossip and think bad about others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being accepted
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where people are taught to judge each other
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where the media is the direct reflection of self judgement and gossip.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world that does what is not best for all, a world where judgement and self judgement is used to make profit – creating insecurity within people to buy all kinds of things to be judged in a more positive way.

Because if you look at it, the whole consumerism system runs on “gossip” and judgement. That is why people get boob jobs, face lifts, wrinkle creams, hair extension, thousands of shoes etc etc… to fear being negatively judged, and desiring positive judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adjust my behavior or words in order to be more accepted and liked
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stay true to myself in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge everything about myself; my behavior, the way I hold my face, my voice, my participating in school, my self forgiveness etc… as an automatic ingrained pattern, as if it is “normal” to do this, because I notice reactions towards these things come up within me, such as feeling awkward when I speak polite, and then thinking others must find it strange and awkward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mom when she speaks polite, because I perceive it as awkward, because I am not used to hearing her speak like that. And within the moment of her speaking like that, I face myself, my own reactions when it is me that is speaking like that. So it is showing me to myself, bringing up the reactions that I have within me, the judgments which I hold within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read peoples faces to see if they like what I say or not, if they find me strange or not, and feel uncomfortable when I see that they are silent, look away, or act as if they are ashamed or feeling awkward. Because then I start to judge myself, based on the physical behavior and body language of the persons around me, imagining the bad things they could be thinking about me – and then limiting myself because of my fear of being rejected, and my desire of being accepted.

I commit myself to stop these judgments, to direct myself in self-honesty until these judgments are no more. I give myself the opportunity to work through this point until it is done. Even when I experience this, I move myself to be self honest in the moment, speak, and not allow the thoughts to control me and go into fear.

When and as I notice thoughts coming up about what others might be judging about me, I stop and breath and let the thoughts go. I do not require to follow them, and direct myself.

I will not allow myself to keep judging myself, and expect others to judge me in the same way. When and as I notice these judgments come up, I stop and breath and do not give them any power by following them.

When and as I notice another’s body behavior become what I perceive as “awkward” or “rejecting”, I stop the thoughts I get about how they might be rejecting me, and express in the moment. I can ask them if they feel uncomfortable with me saying this, so that we can both open up about this. But not determine my own self worth or experience on whether the other wants to talk about it or not, or wether he/she accepts or rejects me or not. I realize that their judgments are their own, and that I have to take self responsibility for my own judgments.

I commit myself to stand for a world where we are raised with respect for life and each other, where children do not receive examples of nasty gossip and backstabbing, or being treated as inferior to others – which programs the children to develop personality issues and get bad life examples. I stand for a world best for all.

 

 

Day 6 – Fear of saying No

Someone called from the consumer service or something asking if he could ask me a questionary about services and goods. I didn’t really have a chance to think about the decision, so i ended up saying: “no I rather not”. But then I regretted it because I could have given my opinion which may be entirely different than standard population which may have some impact on something. So then I got nervous…
Had I made a mistake? Shit shit.

I have often had no problems saying “no” to people, but now I did have a problem with it because it felt like I missed an opportunity, said something without properly thinking it over and realizing I could have brought in a different perspective.

This brings me to the point of saying “no”, and how hard it is for a lot of people. That is why I will write self forgiveness about this point in it’s entirety, as it applies to other’s and not just my own situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous when declining and invitation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret something that I cant undo
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about a decision that I had no time to think about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I missed something, or could have contributed to something, and feel bad about my decision based on those thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have declined an opportunity because I didn’t see in the moment that I might have been able to bring in a different perspective.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a bad person because I declined someones invitation to answer a questionary
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about making something that I perceive as a mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to decide in a hurry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to decide in a hurry
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time to think about the decision

When someone requests something to me and I go into a “rush” inside of me, I stop and breath and think about what is happening. I take the time to make the situation clear to myself, and if my participation would be something that could contribute, or would be cool to do in that moment.
I do not allow myself to feel anxious or bad about a decision, but take the opportunity to correct myself to make sure that in the future I do not make the same mistake over and over again.
I also do not allow myself to go into extremes, such as always saying yes, or always saying no. I simply assess the situation as how it presents itself, what is asked, and see if it is best or good to participate in it or not. So I do not base my decision on a fear of saying no or a fear of being bad when saying no. I base it on common sense, and on what is best for all.

When and as I notice this pattern re-occuring, I stop and breath, and take the time to write it out for myself in its entirity, to flagpoint all points that trigger these experiences within me. And dedicate myself to not allow myself to continuously go into that same pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying no to people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dissapointing people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying no when people ask me something, ask me a favor
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying no to people who ask me something, where I do not consider myself within the equation but only my fear of saying no
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for making me say “yes”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for placing me in an uncomfortable situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please people by saying yes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be agreeable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first be agreeable, and when I get more comfortable to say “no” and thus be entirely different then first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fluctuate according to my fears
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my fear to control my actions

I commit myself to stand stable, and take the decision that is best for all, or which I can see is best in that current situation, without blindly following my emotions, my fear. I direct myself to make a decision in self honesty.

I will not allow myself to fluctuate my opinion and stance according to having fear or not, presenting a fake persona to people in order for them to like me and approve of me.

I commit myself to stop basing my own self worth on the way others see me, which makes me take decisions that might not be best, just because I fear saying no to them.

When and as I notice I have fear comming up, I stop and breath, move through the fear and take the decision best in that moment, using my common sense and insight in the situation. If I make a mistake, I correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where beings are afraid of each other
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where we reject each other and place our own self intrest over that of another. Where we desire others to please us and fulfill our wishes and desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where we treat others as objects of satisfaction, and desire them to comply by our own standards and rules, even though those standards and rules are not best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where we do not consider each other, stand equal to each other, and do what is best for all

I commit myself to stand for a world which is best for all, a world without fear because when we stand as equals, no fear is necessary. I commit myself to stop this abusive system that creates judgements within people. To stop this world of superficial judgement and self indulgence through ego. This system does not do what is best for all,and teaches our children that it is ok to fear, to judge, to be jealous, to use others, to judge ourselves, to place profit above life, to treat other living beings as inferior etc…

 

Day 5 – Moments of silence with strangers

Sometimes when we are around people we do not know, especially when we are together with them in a meeting, or a group, talking etc… (engaging with each other), we start to feel uncomfortable when there are silences. We do not experience this around people we are fully comfortable with, people we know. We experience it around people we do not feel totally comfortable with, people who are just acquaintances or strangers.

The annoying feelings comes up that we have to fill in the silences. We start to judge ourselves, and imagine about what the other(s) may be thinking about this situation or us.

I have experienced this many times during my life – where I am together with another person, and suddenly there is nothing more to be said. I don’t know how to behave, and desperately try to find a subject to talk about. Like it is not ok to just be silent, like I have to find something, to remove the uncomfortability from within myself. I imagine about what the other person is thinking about me. Do they think I am shy? Insecure? Do they dislike me? Are they thinking that I am not an easy person to be around? Are they thinking that this situation is not cool? etc…
But when I am around family for example, and it is silent, my mind is silent. I don’t get those thoughts. Why? Because we know each other very well, and everything has become “normal”.

So within this situation is a lot of self-judgment as well as imaginative thoughts about judgments that might come from the other person(s). It is social anxiety that plays up. Most likely when you experience this, the social anxiety will also pop up in other areas of your life.

People who keep on talking, can often show this insecurity within themselves, because they desperately try to mask it and have a constant flow of communication to feel at ease.

I have actually googled this experience, and found out a lot of people suffer from this. Also when I have spoken about it to others, I often heard “Me too!!”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable around strangers and people I do not know very well – because of the thoughts going on within me mind about what they may think about me, especially if they may think “negative” things about me such as that I am shy, boring etc…

When and as I notice this uncomfortability, I breath and let go of the thoughts that spark up in my mind, and express myself in the moment. Not holding back when I want to say something, and not just speaking because I feel uncomfortable. Because else I would simply be speaking to stop the emotions within me, which will be a pattern I would carry on for the rest of my life, because I would never deal with what is behind the uncomfortability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and imagine what other people are thinking about me, and base my self-experience on that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume what others might be thinking about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always think people are thinking bad about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and have people thinking positive about me by changing my behavior and words
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to be entertaining
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to be intresting to others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself a sinsecure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect I will be insecure around strangers
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about how I will react in insecurity, where I already create the situation I fear within my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act because of fear and reactions of insecurty, instead of directing myself as whats best in the moment, in self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to say something when there is a silence during a conversation, because I start to imagine what the other person might think about me, and I want to avoid the negative judgements at all times.

When I notice these thoughts come up, I stop and breath, and let them go. I stop trying to seek others approval of me, or try and get others to see me in a positive way. I stop trying to imagine what bad things others could think about me, and take self-responsebility for the insecurty within me that sparks up those thoughts in the first place.
Others do not define me, and as long as we depend on the judgements of others to experience ourselves in a particular way, we are like a tossing ball, unstable, and fluctuating according to with who we are with or what they think about us. Which is not best for self nor best for all. I will not adjust myself to have people like me, because this is dishonest, a constant seek for validation, a result of insecurity. And if I accept this pattern, I would give it power and carry it along into my further life, manifesting it even more within my experience, and always needing others for validation.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally express myself in self-honesty, no matter with who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can’t fill in silences because it is not good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposit of an extreme, thinking that it is the way to “cure” it.

When and as I notice this, I breath and direct myself in that moment, stopping the thoughts and expressing myself. When I make a so called “mistake”, by reacting, I learn from it and use it as an opportunity to correct myself.
When and as I notice that I feel uncomfortable being silent together with another person, I stop and breath. I am here, and do not require to follow the thoughts springing up inside me, or allow the emotion to take power over my self-direction.