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Day 8 – Everyone is Against Me

22 Apr
Day 8 – Everyone is Against Me

Since a very very long time, I have often felt like people think negatively about me, or dislike me.
I remember when I was around 15 years old, I was in Spain with my parents and the whole diving team. And there was one lady, who in previous years always liked me and complimented me. Now, she didn’t really seem to notice me at 1 moment. So I felt bad and thought she disliked me, that she hated me. I felt bad within myself.
The next day, we went to visit the shops in spain and she told me how much she liked me, and even bought me a pair of jeans… I was amazed, because she didn’t dislike me! She didn’t hate me!
And I felt happy again.

So often I had thought that people disliked me, judged me behind my back, ridiculed me. I would think they saw me as the “least capable”, or as weird, as “not fitting in”. So there was this desire for approval, for fitting in, for being accepted. I would imagine all the bad things they could think and say about me – and actually, I was the one constantly judging myself.

This pattern developed through my life experiences, of being judged by those I grew up with, the people in school, even teachers who ridiculed me at times or ignored me as if I was less than the other children (happened in kinder garden, and once in high school). I also heard people gossip about others, being nice to ones face but nasty behind the back. This showed me, how humans can be, so I always had that in the back of my mind. Everyone became a potential threat, because I knew, if they do this about other people, they will surely do this about me to. It is kind of conflicting because at one point, I am open when someone asks me about my life, I can tell anything and everything.. but at the other side, I do not trust them. So it is more that I have learned to speak, even when I imagine it being used against me, being ridiculed etc… And at other times I don’t speak. So it is not a stable point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to please others to get their acceptance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to please others so that they will like me and not gossip nasty behind my back
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of others because they could potentially say bad things about me and stab me in the back
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and stigmatize all people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my own self worth on the way others respond to me or think about me – where I feel uncomfortable around them because I am juding myself, and thinking they will judge me in the same way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to give me an idea about what others could judge about me , expecting that this is also the judgments they will hold about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the approval of others to feel good about myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when others think bad about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because I think others dislike me, or hate me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if others hold such judgments, it is their responsibility, and their programming, that makes them judge others in that way. I take responsibility for myself, and my own self-judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give past experiences power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be programmed through past experiences based on others behavior, thinking that the way others judge me is of value and should determine the way I feel about myself, or the way I judge myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always expect the worst case scenario
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy when someone likes me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my own worth on someone else liking me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people within my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold judgments about others within my mind, already thinking they are people who gossip and think bad about others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being accepted
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where people are taught to judge each other
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where the media is the direct reflection of self judgement and gossip.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world that does what is not best for all, a world where judgement and self judgement is used to make profit – creating insecurity within people to buy all kinds of things to be judged in a more positive way.

Because if you look at it, the whole consumerism system runs on “gossip” and judgement. That is why people get boob jobs, face lifts, wrinkle creams, hair extension, thousands of shoes etc etc… to fear being negatively judged, and desiring positive judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adjust my behavior or words in order to be more accepted and liked
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stay true to myself in self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge everything about myself; my behavior, the way I hold my face, my voice, my participating in school, my self forgiveness etc… as an automatic ingrained pattern, as if it is “normal” to do this, because I notice reactions towards these things come up within me, such as feeling awkward when I speak polite, and then thinking others must find it strange and awkward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mom when she speaks polite, because I perceive it as awkward, because I am not used to hearing her speak like that. And within the moment of her speaking like that, I face myself, my own reactions when it is me that is speaking like that. So it is showing me to myself, bringing up the reactions that I have within me, the judgments which I hold within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read peoples faces to see if they like what I say or not, if they find me strange or not, and feel uncomfortable when I see that they are silent, look away, or act as if they are ashamed or feeling awkward. Because then I start to judge myself, based on the physical behavior and body language of the persons around me, imagining the bad things they could be thinking about me – and then limiting myself because of my fear of being rejected, and my desire of being accepted.

I commit myself to stop these judgments, to direct myself in self-honesty until these judgments are no more. I give myself the opportunity to work through this point until it is done. Even when I experience this, I move myself to be self honest in the moment, speak, and not allow the thoughts to control me and go into fear.

When and as I notice thoughts coming up about what others might be judging about me, I stop and breath and let the thoughts go. I do not require to follow them, and direct myself.

I will not allow myself to keep judging myself, and expect others to judge me in the same way. When and as I notice these judgments come up, I stop and breath and do not give them any power by following them.

When and as I notice another’s body behavior become what I perceive as “awkward” or “rejecting”, I stop the thoughts I get about how they might be rejecting me, and express in the moment. I can ask them if they feel uncomfortable with me saying this, so that we can both open up about this. But not determine my own self worth or experience on whether the other wants to talk about it or not, or wether he/she accepts or rejects me or not. I realize that their judgments are their own, and that I have to take self responsibility for my own judgments.

I commit myself to stand for a world where we are raised with respect for life and each other, where children do not receive examples of nasty gossip and backstabbing, or being treated as inferior to others – which programs the children to develop personality issues and get bad life examples. I stand for a world best for all.

 

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1 Comment

Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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One response to “Day 8 – Everyone is Against Me

  1. Sylvie Jacobs

    April 22, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Supportive writings Ann – thanks!

     

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