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Day 29 – The Audience is Making me Nervous!

22 Jun
Day 29 – The Audience is Making me Nervous!

This saturday we have a dance show coming up. I have been dancing since I was about 9 years old, starting with more modern dance, but also many other styles. Currently I am doing streetdance.
Every time I had to perform on stage I have been nervous. I guess it is an inbuilt flight mechanism, perceiving the situation as “dangerous”. Because omg, there is an audience, looking at us, and judging us. And we are looking straight back to them. In 2 of our dances I have to stand totally in the front ,which is extra nerve wrecking for me. Before I have to get on stage, I always have to pee even when I just went. Another flight mechanism of the body. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t nervous at all performing. And I hear many actors and dancers, after many years or an entire career, still have the nerves rumbling around in their stomach.

What I do often is rationalize it to myself, telling myself that it is no big deal, that it does not matter if or how people judge me. But the thing is, when you have participated in a pattern for so many years, it doesn’t just “dissapear” in a second. It may take quite some time actually to diffuse it. Especially when it is rooted subconscious. Because often times I do not think about anything that could make me nervous yet I still have the feeling come up.

http://s3.photobucket.com/albums/y99/annemesis/?action=view&current=slowmedown.mp4
This video is during practice for our places etc… setting things right because there were some parts that were not coordinated yet. I’m the big one, lol.

The self forgiveness will be about what I, and others, have experienced during our lifetime regards this pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what other people think about the way I dance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about how other people judge my dancing, my face or the way I move
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous about performing infront of people because I perceive it as a dangerous situation where others may laugh at me or reject me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my own self-acceptance and feelings on the way others perceive me, judge me or what they say about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that others judgements about me do not matter, and that I am actually judging myself by thinking about how they could judge me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to please the audience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the audience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the audience will judge me, to see them as some kind of seperate entity, different from when I would speak to them face to face
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive a group of people as a threat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to dance well to please others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to dance well to be judged positivly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive my feelings from others judgements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better about myself when others say good things about me, not realizing how it is actually my ego based in fear controlling me. Not realizing how limiting this is, and how I am holding myself hostage to the fake values created within my mind of what the worth of a human being, or myself, really is. Limiting a human beings worth to superficial aspects such as looks and performance. And in that way, allowing this to exist on a global scale, which clearly creates consequences world wide which are far from best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let thoughts in my mind about what the audience may think about me, control me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that the audience will reject me. Not realizing that their rejection wouldn’t matter. If they reject me then that is a pattern they have to work on. Because rejecting another based on a performance is shallow and superficial.And actually something not many people do, but is magnified by the fearfull mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow a world where children are taught to compete, be better than each other, and in that to judge and be judged as less or more.

I commit myself to stand for a world best for all, where no child gets programmed to judge themselves and others. Where no child is judged for doing things differently or not being “as good”. Where children are not programmed to desire to compete and win from another in order to feel better.
I commit myself to stop this system that programs children to be competitors and fight each other, mentally and even physically. A world that projects the reward and profit system on children as soon as they are able to learn.
I commit myself to stand for a world where we work together instead of competing, where the common good is nr 1 and not the individual minority. Where the common good is realized to be actually the COMMON good for all.

When and as I notice nervousness come up, I breath and do not follow any thoughts related to it. I simply dance.
When and as I notice thoughts come up about the audience, I stop them and direct myself. I do not allow such thoughts to control me or create worry within me.

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Posted by on June 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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