Note: I am not posting as often as usual, because of exams and studying
Yep, I have been a gamer. I learned to game at age 4, when I got a SEGA for my birthday. Me and my brother used to play sonic a lot – sonic the hedgehog 😛 My mom often played along and it was quite a fun experience. It wasn’t something that pre-occupied my life at that stage.
Later on in high school, I started to game much more often. I played tomb raider, counter strike, return to castle wolfenstein, crash bandigoot etc… By that time I also had a playstation and a computer.
I got to know World of Warcraft, which is a massive online multiplayer role playing game. It costed around 25 euro’s per 2 months. I loved it. I could create my own character, which was a Night Elf priest female, and could explore this magical world. I decided to be a priest because I don’t like the fighting aspect of that game, I rather wanted to heal others and explore, do quests and not the PvP (player vs player). That is why I didn’t chose a PvP server. After school I would get right on it because I didn’t have to study much. I got allowance every month from my mom, which I used a part of to pay for the game. I started to create many more characters, because I wanted all the skills. I created a druid, a warlock, a rogue etc… night elf and drenai mostly.
There was also a high dissatisfaction behind it, with life itself. I was sad about the state of the world: poverty and starvation, animal abuse, deception, control, money and sex ruling everything… so I rather spend my time in this online fantasy world, which to me was more fun and nicer than real life around me.
Once I discovered the desteni forums, where I learned to be truly self honest towards myself, and look what was behind my own behavior and how my programmed mind was making decisions for me. How I was not taking responsibility for myself, my own programming and this world. I mean is that raelly what I wanted to put out? Was that really how I wanted to spend my time, playing for hours and hours a day on this game which I had to pay for ? Was this “give as you would like to receive”?
I was in the luxury to be able to do that, while so many in this world were suffering under and because of the very system that gave me the ability to hide in entertainment. And I wondered: was that why entertainment existed? To keep the middle class obedient, comfortable and blind? To entertain us, just like play and games in Rome? It certainly was the case for me, and that was all I needed to know. So I quit my subscription and decided that was not how I wanted to live my life. I did not want to be someone that only lived for herself, in a bubble seperated from the rest of this world. This world is interconnected, my decisions have an impact wether I like it or not. If we do not learn to cooperate, we will not function well as the organism that we are. If parts of our organism is sick, the whole will get sick. This is a reality, not just a theory. Look at how poverty creates crime, refugees, human right violations and even racism and hate. It has international consequences, and is not just something that springs up out of nowhere.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pre-occupied with games, and spending hours a day playing on this game, because it brings me to another reality, another world which I find much more fun than our own world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for the world of abuse we have created
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind for what we have created in this world, and remain blind by entertaining myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use entertainment to escape from reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use entertainment to not see reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to game my time away, in a fantasy world online, where I do not have to face every day life and the horror going on in the world – believing that there is nothing I can do anyway, believing it is my right to play games, believing I am powerless – while in fact I am not. Together we create this world , 1 by 1, 1 + 1
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather spend my money on a game that I play hours and hours, instead of using it for something more constructive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do what I would want done unto myself. Because I would not want the population who can make a change, those who have money and resources, to be blind and stand numb at the side and hiding in entertainment while I and those around me are suffering. As a person starving, a child forced in prostitution, a sweatshop worker, I would not want that. I would want everyone to see through the abusive system we have created, to stand up, to be the voice that I can’t be in my position of exploitation. That is what I would want for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how enslaved I really am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am extremely selfish spending my life on gaming and entertainment – thinking and believing it is my right, it is my “free will” – without realizing the patterns behind it, without realizing how it contributes to a world of seperation and abuse, without realizing WHY I did that, without placing myself in the shoes of another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justifications to feel better about being selfish, because when I justify it to myself , then I can do it without feeling bad. For example thinking and believing that I cant make a change anyway, that I am to small and powerless, that it is “no big deal”. Skimming the surface, finding an excuse, and continue entertaining myself without really looking into what I am doing
I commit myself to stand up for those without a voice, and to end the seperation we have created as a global system. I do not allow anyone to be treated as less than I would want to be treated.
I commit myself to stop hiding in entertainment, to stop gaming my life away, or entertaining my life away – and realize the priority is sorting out the mess we have created. Before this mess is sorted out, I cannot just live to do whatever I feel like doing. This is not constructive, nor is it what I would want for myself. And I realize that I am simply ina position in the system where I am able to do that, while many are simply not.
When and as I realize the urge to entertain myself come up, while I have other tasks to do, or when it is starting to become a priority, I stop and breath and simply move myself to do something more constructive, and my tasks I set for myself on that day.
I realize that gaming in itself, or entertainment such as movies and tv or books is not “bad” or “wrong”. But it becomes a problem when it becomes a pre-occupation. Something you spend hours doing a day, or something you place before tasks much more important. For relaxation I sometimes play a game, or watch tv or a movie, but I make sure it does not “control me”, that it doesnt rule my thinking, or become a priority.