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Day 17 – Fear of Being Ugly

01 May
Day 17 – Fear of Being Ugly

I have been raised to put value on my physical appearance, to derive my self worth from the way I look. From a young age I have seen others do this towards themselves, others and myself. I have also seen it in various child movies (disney especially) and television and media advertisements.
As I grew older, I kept defining myself according to how others saw me, more specifically: if others thought I was pretty or not. When I thought they didn’t, I felt bad. I know… quite a sad way to live really. But how many of us are doing this? How many of us bow down to the beauty industry, to the self judgement and the gossip? How many of us judge our bodies as ugly and wrong? Does this serve us in any way? No. What it does serve is the profit driven system that feeds of it. Not best for all, not even a little bit.

The Self forgiveness shared here will not be solely attached to my own experiences, but also towards other things that people can experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self worth and confidence on how other people perceive me, how they judge me, and wether they think I am pretty or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that anothers judgements about my physical appearance means anything, that it is significant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  believe that anothers judgements are determinants of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let others judgements become my own judgmenets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let others judgments about my physical appearance shift my emotions according to what they think about how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that others judgements about physical appearance are programmed, shallow and not best for all

I forgive myself for not accepting  myself  and allowing myself simple to be who I am in  the moment, when I I look in the mirror and see wrinkles on my forehead and judge it as ‘bad/ugly/negative, ’when I think I am too short,  when I  think I don’t look thin ‘enough’, when I think I need to dye my hair to ‘cover the grey’, when I look at my breasts and think they are too small, when I think my nose is too big, when I think ‘I look older’, when I think my legs are ‘ugly’ because they have cellulite, when I think my navel is ‘ugly’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love myself as who I am in each moment of breath when I go into an energetic reaction of fear about aging, and subsequent thoughts of  death, when I think I need breast implants and subsequent thoughts of fear that  Alex will leave me,  when I think I need to fix my navel, nose, teeth and  when I compare myself to another woman thinking I am ‘better’ or ‘less than’ her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to separate myself from other women through a constant stream of thoughts, I am often unaware of, and constant comparison,  “she’s pretty, she’s ugly, that is not a good look for her, she shouldn’t wear that, she’s trying too hard to impress, she thinks she’s so hot/better than me, she’s too fat/heavy, I’m prettier than her, I’m more desirable, I’m less attractive than her, Alex(any man I’m going out with) would like her more because she’s prettier than me”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself by criticizing a part of my physical human body in separation of the whole, my whole self and in my mind comparing this body part to that of a picture of a model or other woman I feel is ‘better’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as plain/ ugly without makeup and pretty with make up, for  judging  myself as sexy with high heels and fashionable clothes, for judging myself as looking old with no make up or with reading glasses, for judging  myself as pretty with a tan, for judging  myself as ugly/plain with no tan, for  judging myself as ugly with regular glasses (I wear contact lenses), for  judging  myself everytime (almost ) I look in a mirror as looking ‘good’ or ‘bad’ that day, having  ‘bad’ hair ‘good’ hair ‘, and for judging my smile as ugly if it is not white ‘enough’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself  according to a picture every time I look in the mirror, see my reflection in a window, get dressed, I see another woman who I judge as better/worse ‘looking’ than me, I am in the presence of others and I want to impress them and the picture is pretty or ugly, sexy or plain, fat or skinny, good enough=desirable or not good enough = undesirable, embarrassing or proud.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that I am ‘inferior’ to a person I deem ‘beautiful’ because they have certain physical traits
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting that I am inferior to ‘beautiful people’
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief/presupposition that beauty is real.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief/presupposition that there is such a thing that is ‘beautiful’ and something that is ‘less or not beautiful’
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to grade other people according to their ‘beauty’
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the separation between ‘beautiful’ and ‘ugly’ people.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the reaction of ‘feeling inferior’ when I identify a ‘beautiful person’
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my attention to be placed on the idea of beauty more than the physical act of breathing
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that beauty exists
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to judge people according to my concept of beauty
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to judge myself according to my concept of beauty
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to act according to my concept of beauty
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to support my concept of beauty by applying it to people, objects, and surroundings
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to force myself to grade objects according to their beauty. All is one and equal
I forgive myself that I haven’t realized that beauty does not exist
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to consider that all things are one and equal in beauty, such that the ‘beauty system’ IS superfluous/redundant
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the ‘thought comparison’ between me and another person’s ‘beauty’
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare my physical form to another according to my definition of beauty
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the identification of the belief that I am ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ depending on which person I compare myself to
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare me to someone else’s physical form. We are one and equal.
I forgive myself for not yet applying the principles of oneness and equality in the context of beauty
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting a definition of beauty
I forgive myself for reacting to the beauty construct within and as me
I forgive myself that I haven’t realized that by accepting a definition of beauty, I literally imprison myself to my ideas; that through my actions, I accept and allow my own enslavement to the beauty construct
I forgive myself for neglecting to breathe while in the denial of the beauty construct, which only empowers it further.
I forgive myself for reacting to the beauty construct by denying it
I forgive myself that I haven’t realized that to remove the beauty construct, I must and will cease participating within it, which includes asserting or denying its existence.
I forgive myself that I haven’t realized that I need to accept and consequently not react to the beauty construct to delete it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to exist within and as the beauty polarity system of ugly and good looking

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become a slave to the beauty system
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted the beauty system to control and direct me
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to support and fuel the beauty system thru the use of skin care products

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myslef as disgusting according to the norms/standards of beauty

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to isolate myself, stay at home, not showing myself amongst others when I feel disgusting and unattractive
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience shame because of the way I look
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as ugly because of my white/pale skin
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define sunburnt and brown skin as beautiful
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to have sunburnt skin
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become careless when in sharp sunlight and often burn my skin because I desire to be brown
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define spotless, smooth, matt skin as beautiful and desirable
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to care what others may think about or how they value my appearance
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my body as ugly, disgusting and unattractive
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as ugly because I am not muscular compared to other men
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as ugly because I’m skinny
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a male body should be muscular and well built
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire a well built and muscular body
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become disgusted at the sight of my naked body
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear nakedness of myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my body as shapeless
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my body as curvy
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my body as sexy, and derive my self worth from this
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel better about myself when I look in the mirror and see that I look hot
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience shame for my body
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to display my naked body
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to belive that nakedness is something wrong or dirty
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear showing myself without a shirt on in public
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that others will judge my body as ugly
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that others are laughing behind my back when they see my body
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare my body with others
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wish that I had another body and in that I forgive myself that I have
acceptet and allowed myself to believe that my life would have been much better if I would have a body which I define as beautiful
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide as much of my body as possible with cloths because of my shame of my body
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to limit my body movement because of my shame of my appearance and my body
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy the beauty system of my father
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy my fathers addiction to compare and value and judge others because ot their looks
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy my fathers fear of nakedness
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy the beauty system of my mother
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to copy my mothers disgust with unclean skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to an idea connected to a picture I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide the parts of my body which I judge negativly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide because of the judgements of others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about the judgement of others because I fear ridicule and judgement I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own feelings within the experience of ridicule and judgement of others

When and as I notice the reactions within me towards what another said about my physical appearance, I stop and breath and do not follow thoughts that pop up in my mind. I realize that my physical appearance does not define me. My body is supporting me to exist on planet earth, and I am grateful for it, and will do what I can to keep it healthy, and not place all kidns of judgements on it according to looks.

When and as I notice the urge to buy products to make me thin, make me thight, beautify me, make my skin less wrinkly etc… I stop and breath and do not allow myself to follow this urge.

I realize that age is a number and not who I am as life and that I am in fact one and equal to life. I realize that my physical human body is one and equal to life. I realize that the emotions of fear, anger, sadness, shame and denial are not who I am and I do not have to be directed by them. I realize that fear and the other emotions it brings up enslave me to the mind consciousness systems design of keeping me stuck and occupying my time and are in fact a waste of my time to engage in. I realize that what I am and who I am is constant and changeless but it will take time to understand the aging system and ‘turn back the clock’. I realize I can be patient with my process of discovery with Desteni. I realize these emotions keep me trapped in my mind and there is no ‘answer’ except to make the decision with each here moment, each breath to not participate in them.

I no longer accept and allow myself to be stuck in my mind by engaging in the emotions of fear, anger, sadness, shame and denial with regards to aging . I no longer accept and allow myself to participate in/waste any more time on the thought  that as I age, I become less ‘valuable’. I accept and allow myself to be here as life , one and equal to all that exist, in each breath and that  ‘value’ has no relevance. I accept and allow myself to let go of past thoughts/ideas/beliefs of beauty and that life has an expiry date. I accept and allow myself to no longer look at my refection and see someone who is aging and react with thoughts and emotions that control me and could cause me harm. I accept to no longer see myself as a picture but to accept myself as life. I accept and allow myself to no longer judge myself or others as ‘beautiful ‘ or ‘ugly’, as ‘old’ or ‘young’.

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear brought on by the thought ‘I am afraid that, as I age, I become less valuable’    I stop, I breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to go into my mind and trust /engage in emotions of fear, anger, shame, sadness, and denial to trap and enslave me. Instead I realize I direct myself here, in the physical, with each breath and I remind myself I am one and equal to all that exist in timelessness and not just a picture presentation.

Some parts inspired from: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=285&p=956&hilit=beauty#p956

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Posted by on May 1, 2012 in Human Behavior

 

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